When you picture God, what do you see?
Whatever picture, thought or feeling you experience, potentially
reveals inner secrets to your identity.
I recently learned this while being trained in Freedom Prayer. The instructors had us close our eyes and asked
us to create an image of God in our minds.
Some people saw their earthly fathers. The image of my Heavenly Father was something like the old-time Santa
with the long, white hair and beard along with the plush, red, velvet robe,
trimmed in stark ermine. The Scripture
from Isaiah 6:1 came to mind, I saw the
Lord, high and exalted, seated on a throne; and the train of his robe filled
the temple. My wacky, creative brain
also saw one of His arms as a wing of a bird, much like Psalm 91:4, He will cover you with his feathers, and
under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and
rampart. In that soft, feathery
space was a promise of protection and love.
In the training they taught us that our relationship with
God involves aspects of identity, protection and provision. However, for some
of us, our notion of God is skewed by our experience with our earthly fathers. That human relationship influences how we
approach the divine relationship and ultimately how we see ourselves.
As the exercise continued, people were sharing how close
their picture of God was to them, however for me, my image was about 300 feet
away. (I credit my GPS for knowing that!) I
didn’t think much about it until I went on a private retreat a couple weeks
later where I experienced a labyrinth for the
first time.
A labyrinth is not a maze,
but a designed walkway of inlaid brick that is flush with the ground and has
one entrance in and one exit out. The
narrow, serpentine path has you walking across the soft, natural surface of
green grass with one foot in front of the other, in a posture of prayer and
meditation.
I prayed before going in, not knowing what I could expect
and it was there that the image of my Heavenly Father appeared, once again in the distance. I always addressed God as my Heavenly Father without ever wondering
why I called Him that, but it was in that moment that I realized how far away
heaven was. The expanse between me and
heaven suddenly sunk my heart and stopped my feet in their tracks. This meditative walk revealed my not-so intimate
relationship with God as opposed to the intimacy I had with Jesus and the Holy
Spirit. It was a startling surprise that uncovered buried clues that spoke to my
identity.
The labyrinth meditation suddenly brought about surprising
thoughts of my father. I loved my Dad
very much and considered myself very close to him while he was alive, however I
could see, with each step I took through the labyrinth, that his words had shaped my
identity in ways that also impacted my relationship with God.
My father’s voice came alive in my mind and I heard him
say, “That’s not an A.” This was his regular response to my report card. Now, with the exception of algebra, my grades
were A’s and B’s. He probably thought
that he was spurring me on to excellence, instead he was actually turning me
into a people pleasing perfectionist. He
was also very quick to point out imperfections, “You know you have a pimple on
your nose?” Any teenage girl is
hyper-aware of any pimple on her face, let alone one that landed on her nose…
of course I was aware of it! My dismay
about my pimple turned into shame every time he pointed one out. Then there was this time, when I was a
‘tween’, that I was wrestling with him on the floor. It was all good fun and something my sisters
and I would do on occasion. This time,
in the midst of our laughter, he comments offhandedly about my changing body,
particularly the area that makes a woman, distinctly female. I immediately shrunk with shame and
embarrassment and never felt comfortable with my body from that point on.
I became the tomboy of the family and often characterized
myself as the son my father never had. I
was more comfortable identifying with my body as athletic instead of feminine
and spent a lifetime torn between trying to deflect attention away from it and striving
for acceptance because of it. Being
smart and athletic were the personas of choice.
But, try as I might to be more than my body, I couldn’t win because the
voice of society joined in the chorus and the internal body image battle
ensued. I spent years hearing comments
about my weight gain or loss. Judgement
was attached to each observation, carving deeper imprints of deficiency into my
identity. Approval became the quest of a
lifetime, not only with my body image, but with my entire being as I strived to
be enough for everyone.
Having so many experiences where I fell short of ‘me’
just being ‘me’, made ‘me’ not so comfortable with ‘me’. As I worked to get approval from people, I
also worked to get approval from God, and in my mind, I often fell
short. In the labyrinth, I realized that
I had stuffed the space between us with the manufactured shame and
disappointment I developed through the years.
It’s no wonder that I saw God at a distance. These deep, deficient
blocks of my identity filled the sprawling chasm between us, even when I knew
in my head that He loved me!
Intellectually I know that I am covered by grace, which
makes me as much a saint as a sinner.
However inwardly I got that all twisted up through misunderstandings,
deceptions and a constant chorus of “You’re not enough,” from the world. However, when God’s truth rings louder than
the world’s clamor, I can see that He designed my body, mind, heart and soul in
a way that delights Him. Within
the labyrinth, with each prayerful step, I was overcome with assurance and comfort
that my God drew my eyebrows, formed my nose and sculpted my limbs with
meticulous care. More than anything was
the assurance that He knows me through and through, and loves me all the more.
I struggle less with body issues these days, but if I’m
honest, there are scars that tattoo my identity and cause me to be defensive or
over-protective. I feel like this when I
make a point of complimenting young girls on something other than their looks,
or when I correct my husband for commenting on someone’s weight loss. But there are times I fall into the trap too.
I just caught myself telling two new moms how good they looked, and even though
it was an encouragement, I felt like my voice had joined the world’s chorus on
how a woman’s body should look. Uuugh! Major fail!
When I find myself falling short and messing up (like I
did with those moms), I wield my new skill of self-compassion. Self-compassion
dismantles my critical spirit and preserves a healthy self-regard. It
is a tonic for the soul, especially for perfectionists! When applied with God’s truth there really
isn’t anything more powerful that will align me with God’s love.
Through the years my self-regard took a pounding from the
world, and the unintentional comments of a father who never imagined his words
would cut so deep. I am now a middle-aged
woman, (with a pimple on my chin) who has achieved straight A’s only a few
times. It has taken years of unlearning to refurbish my self-regard
into a healthy balance of respect, confidence and the willingness to admit
mistakes in a nourishing way. I love how God keeps revealing things to me. That day in the labyrinth He showed me how we
can be loved imperfectly by those who love us the most, but it’s His love that is
truly perfect and never disappoints.
This labyrinth experience closed the gap between God and
myself. He is much closer these days. As
a result of my new-found intimacy with Him, I can honestly picture myself under
His soft, protective wing, nestled in His red, velvet lap, or sitting at His
feet enfolded in the train of His robe. My
identity is who He says I am. I
am His child who He loves, who He chose, and who He holds tight with joy and
delight. Most importantly, He is no
longer the far away Heavenly Father, instead, He is my Abba Father. My God who wants to be intimately known and
who wants to intimately know me – mess and all.
PONDER
What did you see, or feel when asked to picture God?
Think of the people or circumstances that have impacted
your identity. In what ways has it
impacted how you see God?
On a scale of 1 – 10 how intimate would you say your
relationship is with God, the Father?
WITNESS
Self-regard is an important aspect of our identity. God’s regard makes our self-regard a powerful
force. How do you think God sees
you, and how does the Bible support that? Who in your life demonstrates a
healthy self-regard, and what does that look like?
ACTION
Self-compassion is a skill that bolsters self-regard, and
strengthens your identity.
1)
What ways can you be more
self-compassionate?
a. Administer
this tonic daily.
2)
Meditate on this Scripture: You are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you. (Isaiah
43:4a).
3)
If you are able to experience a labyrinth, I
highly recommend it!
RESOURCE
SELF-REGARD
Self-regard is a critical emotional intelligence
competency related to identity.
Individuals with a healthy self-regard respect themselves and accept
both personal strengths and limitations while remaining satisfied and
self-secure.
SELF-COMPASSION
Self-compassion is extending compassion to one's self in instances of perceived
inadequacy, failure, or general suffering. According to Kristin Neff, Associate
Professor Human Development and Culture, Educational Psychology
Department, University of Texas at Austin, self-compassion is
composed of three main components – self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
As a certified Christian Life Coach I can help you move from where you are to where God wants you to be. If you are interested in creating awareness and strength in your identity then let’s chat. I'd love to be your champion in what God is calling you to do!
#Karynisms #CoachKaryn #EQandJesus #identity #selfcompassion #selfregard #emotionalintelligence #EI #EQ
