I love to road trip, and my favorite partner to road trip
with is my husband. Through the years
we’ve developed traveling rhythms and travel roles. I arrange the luggage in
the trunk, he shuts down the house. He
fills the car with gas before we leave, I route the GPS. We both share the driving load; I usually drive
in the A.M., because he doesn’t do mornings. He usually does afternoon driving,
because I like a mid-day nap. It works… pretty much.
We do have our small compromises though. I prefer eating in the car to save on time, but
he doesn’t, so we stop. He loves Subway’s tuna sandwich, but I get nauseous
from the smell, so he orders something else. (This also goes for bananas. Yes,
I know I’m weird!)
The biggest friction we have on trips is honestly our
driving styles, particularly when it comes to the proper use of the left
lane. Early on in our road tripping days
my husband always used the left lane. He
liked to hang out there and didn’t mind when the cars would pass him on the right, (giving me the nasty looks). In the
beginning I tried to overlook it, but that didn’t last long. Eventually I gave in to irritation and would
suggest, “You can move over.” He’d say,
“I’m fine. There’s no one around.” And
he would comfortably command the left lane.
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| Photo Credit Mel King |
Doesn’t sound like much of an issue when no one is
around, I agree. However, he would often
get lost in the driver daydream and wouldn’t realize that other cars had
eventually creeped in. (Cue my, “You can
move over now.” comment.) In those
moments when he realized he was lagging, he would then speed up, ultimately throwing
off the pacing of the other cars and messing up their cruise control
settings.
Confession time here; when I’m the one passing on the
right, I’ve been known to give the “look” and I’m not gracious at all when the
left lane loafer decides to pick up the pace.
I will punch past the speed limit tolerance to make a point, and then pair
that with a bit of commentary for the entire car to hear. Not proud, but it’s the truth.
I share about the left lane loafers, and my
disproportionate reaction to them for two reasons; first, it was behind the
wheel of a car that I realized that I needed to change myself. And second, to
show you the first steps I took in making that change.
My life changing moment behind the wheel happened one day
in the 90’s. I was driving on a side street in Chicago and as usual was
impatient with the car ahead of me. So,
I passed him on a two-way street, which ended up being a close call for a
potential accident. I can’t remember all
the details, only that I had pulled over afterwards, quite shaken up. The car that I had skirted around drove past
me and the passenger pushed his face, warped with anger, up to the filmy glass
of his window. My brain processed this in slow motion and can only compare it
to a terrifying fun-house clown coming at you out of an abysmal darkness. I
could read his incensed lips, contorted with a grotesque ugliness. It was a two-syllable
cuss word that twisted and elongated his face and gripped me with conviction.
He was right, and I had to change.
That episode was one of the reasons that made me chase
after real solutions. That pursuit
landed me, as early as 1995, into the world of emotional intelligence. The very first thing I learned was the impact
that emotional self-awareness can make.
Like the left lane loafer who is in his own world and
doesn’t realize there are cars around him, we too have behaviors we are unaware
of that impact ourselves and others. Being emotionally unaware is like the
blind spot on your car. Developing it
upgrades you to a rear-view camera and side mirror indicators. There are a
couple approaches you can use to increase your self-awareness.
FEEDBACK FROM
OTHERS:
Others are a great source of information for us. The angry man sent me a very clear signal
that initiated positive life change (although I recommend you choose better language!).
We get feedback from others all of the time; some structured, like work-place
reviews and other unstructured, like a nagging spouse. It’s
up to us to listen to it, verify it with God and others, and then receive it if it’s true. That’s all there
is to self-awareness!
Making changes is
not a part of self-awareness. The first step is to just become aware. For
instance, one can become aware that they are a jerk (like me in the car) and
never choose to make a change. While
that would be unfortunate, it’s still the work of self-awareness because it
brings you to the revelation and there’s great value just in that. It’s
character that influences whether or not we choose to make a change. And as
Christians our call to a character like Christ’s is what moves us in the right
direction.
While others may not have access to our deep inner wells
of thought and feelings, they are privy to much more than we think. Years ago, in a meeting at work, a coworker
had commented how my voice got louder every time I advocated for an outcome I
wanted. That was a blind spot. I didn’t realize I was using something as simple
as the volume of my voice to push my point and push over other’s ideas. That was a valuable revelation and once I knew about it, I could then work to change it. You can’t change something you don’t know
about!
Others’ body language is another good gauge to use. When
you make it a point to notice it you can tell how engaged they are and how they
are receiving what you are saying. It can tell you if you are talking ‘at’ them
or ‘with’ them. If they are fidgeting, stuttering to get a word in, looking
around or have their arms crossed, maybe it’s time to curb your enthusiasm and
give them space to speak or to leave. It’s a simple skill to employ, but it
garners good results.
Let’s go back to our left lane loafers who sometimes wave
off others responses, such as the nasty looks from those passing in the right
lane, because they are comfortable and don’t care. Not caring is the kryptonite to the value
that self-awareness can bring. Emotional
intelligence cares about others and
how we affect them, so the information we get from them is very helpful. When you listen to others, verify what
they say with God and someone you trust, and then receive only what’s true, you can begin to build self-awareness.
(Please note, I’m
talking about receiving feedback from others who are healthy contributors to
your life. Even still, you need to weigh every word you accept and receive
against God’s truth.)
SELF EXAMINATION:
Socrates says, “An unexamined life is not worth
living.” Knowing yourself is the largest, most effective work of
self-awareness. Different assessments
will shine light on our personality, love language, spiritual gifts, values,
etc. But shining the light on your
emotional tendencies like knowing how you get mad, what happens to your body
when you get fearful, or even identifying behaviors that tip off depression,
are extremely advantageous to have.
A simple step of emotional self-awareness is to notice
what your body does during an emotion.
Do your fists clench when you’re frustrated? Does your neck kink when you’re
stressed? Does your breathing become
rapid when you get angry? Noticing what your body does is a key skill
for knowing what’s coming next and being able to prepare for it. For instance, I found that I will lean in
when making a point or standing my ground.
It is my physical advocate defense.
This isn’t generally well received on the other side of me. When I
notice that I’m doing this I can engage my breathing to slow things down and
relax myself. This actually helps my
brain make better decisions in situations like that. These little things are a big
deal!
Do you know what your face looks like when you are
disgusted, proud, embarrassed or adoring?
In one of my workshops we do an exercise where people partner up and get
an emotional word stickered to their back.
Their partner has to silently read the word, then act out the
feeling. Unless you get the word mad, or
sad, most people struggle to replicate the feeling.
Overall, the responses are that the exercise is difficult. But I explain to them that their family - husband,
wife or children - know what their face looks like when they are disgusted,
proud embarrassed or adoring. Even if
they can’t manufacture the looks, they possess them and use them all the
time. You see we operate day in and day
out with physical emotional language, but most of us don’t pay attention to how
we do it. Self-awareness helps you begin
to notice. And, during that game when
someone has a partner that can easily display their word, it does become fun.
Start noticing yourself.
Start noticing what your muscles do when you are disappointed. Start noticing your breathing pattern under
stress. Once you gather this
information, you are better able to institute a change. Self-awareness is the first key to
developing your EQ because you can’t change something you are unaware of. When it comes to emotional self-awareness
most of us are left lane loafers. We
haven’t been raised to pay attention to how we are driving our emotions. The good news is that it’s never too late to
choose to change lanes, but first you have to know what lane you are even in!
PONDER
·
How would you describe yourself, and would
others agree?
·
Feedback gives us stuff to ponder; how well do
you receive it, and how well do you give it?
·
How well do you screen remarks and comments from
others? Are you regularly able to combat
any lies and receive truth?
·
Ponder the Scripture below.
WITNESS
·
Witness anger (or other emotions) in
others. What do their bodies do?
Animated programs are good to observe because the characters’ features are
usually exaggerated and easier to see.
·
Children are great to watch because their
emotional expression is typically uninhibited.
See if you can name their feelings.
·
Is there someone you know that remains calm
under pressure and uses gentle speech when upset? Ask them what they do to manage their
feelings. (Note: you’re not looking for
someone who suppresses or stuffs their feelings – that’s not healthy.)
ACTION
1.
Pay attention to what your body does this week
in response to various emotions. Record your response as well as the situation
that brought it about.
2.
Jeff Henderson, the Lead Pastor of Gwinnett
Church in GA, was a guest speaker at our church. In his sermon he recommended we ask the
people in our lives the following question: “What’s it like to be on the other
side of me?” If you really want to
enhance your self-knowledge, begin there with people you trust. You will
receive more balanced feedback when you pose the question, as opposed to waiting
to receive comments in the midst of emotional moments.
3.
Pray and invite Jesus into the process. Read the Scripture below and ask the Holy
Spirit to reveal areas of growth.
SCRIPTURE
Self-awareness cultivates wisdom and Scripture is full of
examples. Here are some passages that show
us the value of being intentionally self-observant, caring and exercising
self-mastery.
Proverbs 14:8
The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their
ways…
Proverbs 14:15
A simple man believes anything, but a prudent man gives
thought to his steps.
Proverb 21: 2
All a man’s ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs
the heart.
Proverb 25: 28
Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who
lacks self-control.
Proverb 29:11
A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps
himself under control.
Psalm 86:15
But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.
Romans 2:4b
God’s kindness leads you toward repentance.
As a certified Christian Life Coach, I can help you move from where you are to where God wants you to be. If you are interested in gaining more self awareness, then let’s chat. I’d love to be your champion in what God is calling you to do!
#Karynisms #EQandJesus #EQCoachKaryn #emotionalintelligence #EQ #EI #selfawareness #Socrates #feedback
