Imagine you
are twelve years old again; you just moved into a new neighborhood and your
mother drives you up to a brown, brick house.
She stops the car, tells you to ring the doorbell and make a
friend. You muster everything you’ve got
to shuffle your way up the stairs of the Chicago bungalow, ring the doorbell
and wait anxiously. As soon as the door
is answered, your mother drives away and all you’re left with is a nervous
smile and a hello.
Shocking, right? Terrifying to most people, but especially
traumatic for a chubby, introverted, middle-school girl. Well, allow me to introduce you to my
courageous friend Kathy. This heavy-set, freckled faced, blue-eyed girl had
fulfilled her mission that day to make a friend, and it turned into a bond that
lasted a lifetime. Today I testify as a
witness to her faith in a life-long struggle with addiction, anorexia and
depression; the trifecta of oppression.
Kathy’s
struggle with alcohol began very early. She started to drink in her teens and it
had escalated by college. Having witnessed family members deteriorate with this
disease, she knew what road she would be headed down, so at 22 she admitted
herself into a rehab program.
During this
time she worked at losing weight. When she began to successfully manage the
drinking, my sober, overweight friend drifted into the world of
anorexia/bulimia. Through the years this
disease ravaged her body: her teeth decayed, her hair fell out, her skin split
at her fingertips and her body didn’t have enough fat to menstruate. Starvation isn’t pretty. At one time, after complications from
gallbladder surgery, her body weight dropped to 72 lbs. She endured a stroke, heart problems, and
memory loss from that incident. It was
frightening to me because that was the first time I had seen the face of death
on someone still alive.
Kathy also
battled with chronic depression and occasional suicidal thoughts. She spent years under the care of medical and
mental health professionals who were mostly clueless about how to eradicate it,
but were able to manage it. Her medical
doctor put her on a TPN (IV nutrition therapy) with a central line that
bypassed her stomach in order to keep her weight from dipping under 90 lbs. I
lost count of how many times she did this, but it is what kept her body going
in such a way that you’d never know she was debilitated. What kept her spirit going, though, is the
real story here.
Kathy was a smart,
generous, loving friend that cared more about everyone else than she did
herself. Her biggest gift was that she
was thoughtful and wise; her greatest curse was that she was thoughtful and
unwise. She had wisdom when it came to investments
and figuring out the most economical way to do anything, but she wasn’t wise enough
to navigate around the imbedded lies that said she wasn’t enough, worthy or
valuable.
While all of
us wrestle with these thoughts on some level, Kathy was crippled by them. Years of telling her otherwise was
fruitless. No matter how much I, or anyone
else tried to combat the lies in her head with words of truth, the effort was impotent
against the disease that spoke louder. That disease didn’t allow her to see the
beautiful child of God that Jesus saw. Believing badly mutes God’s voice. Kathy heard “no good”, “disappointing” and “worthless”
when God was really saying “worthy”, “loved”, “beloved”, and “delighted in”!
The lies
that Kathy believed not only caused emotional pain, but also physical
pain. She told me she’d wake up every
morning and say, “Crap!” because she was still alive. I challenged her one day, and asked why she
was still here, why didn’t she just end her life? She told me that was out of the question,
because underneath the din of the obnoxious lies that she battled every day,
she heard a small voice that told her to keep hanging on. She knew that small voice to be God, and even
though it was a whisper, it was strong enough to make her endure complications
from all the TPN’s and incredible pain in her shoulder and legs.
As different
as our lives were, Kathy and I shared a devotion for God that shaped our
faith. I’ve gotta tell ya – she walked
out some serious faith! She fought the
demons that oppressed her joy, and robbed her of her health, because she heard
a small voice that she knew was God telling her to hang in there. When medical professionals didn’t know what
to do with a 40-year-old anorexic woman, (because no one had ever lived that
long) my dear friend who heard the small voice of God, lived until the age of
56. If the power of God’s voice at such
a low volume could do that for Kathy, how much more do I need to obey when I
hear Him speak love and truth to me every day?
In the midst
of pain and emotional oppression, she lived a fruitful and productive life that loved, a life
that gave and sometimes a life that knew better (and she’d pointedly let you
know that, because she loved you). She
strived to be loved, but she never fully experienced that even though everyone
in her life loved her dearly. Recently,
after another battle with a TPN infection, her body succumbed to death, but not
because she dictated it, but because she followed the small voice of God that
called her home. She is now face-to-face
with Jesus, standing in the perfect truth of her worth, in peace and out of
pain.
Sadly, belief
does not spare us from the battle. The one thought that she knew in her head,
but never permeated her heart, was that she didn’t have to do anything to be
loved by God. He already loved her,
that’s why He sent His only Son, Jesus to die on the cross for her. My dearest friend was a daughter of the King,
who was robbed of an abundant life by powerful lies. The most helpless I’d ever felt in my life
was trying to convince her of that.
While I miss her dearly, I am comforted that her belief in Jesus has
brought her into the light of eternity where I know I will one day see her
again.
Kathy’s
earthly life was a battle that was fought by a heart that was bigger than her
body and a faith that obeyed. She
demonstrated what happens when God’s whisper meets our love. I’m so blessed to have shared decades with
her and am indebted to the brave little girl that knocked on my door all those
years ago.
PONDER
What are all
the ways you hear God?
On a scale
of 1 to 10, how well do you take captive every thought and challenge it against
God’s truth?
WITNESS
How do
others see you obeying God’s voice or guidance?
ACTION
Dial up ways
to hear God’s whispers:
-
Read
Scripture
-
Pray
& meditate
-
Journal
-
Take
a walk in nature
-
Listen
to worship music
-
Lose
yourself in art; creating it or viewing it
SCRIPTURE
1 Kings
19:11-14 (MSG)
11-12 Then Elijah was told, “Go, stand on the
mountain at attention before God. God will pass by.”
A hurricane
wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God,
but God wasn’t to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake,
but God wasn’t in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire,
but God wasn’t in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet
whisper.
13-14 When Elijah heard the quiet voice, he
muffled his face with his great cloak, went to the mouth of the cave, and stood
there. A quiet voice asked, “So Elijah, now tell me, what are you doing here?”
Luke 8:18
18 Therefore consider carefully how you
listen. Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what they
think they have will be taken from them.”
John 15:4
Remain in Me
and I will remain in you.
Romans 12:2
Do not
conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing
of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will
is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
As a certified Christian Life Coach I can help you move from where you are to where God wants you to be. If you are interested in getting clarity on what you're hearing from God, then let’s chat. I'd love to be your champion in what God is calling you to do!
#Karynisms #EQandJesus #anoreia #bulimia #BFF #EQCoachKaryn #stillsmallvoice #gentlewhisper #CoachKaryn
