COMPLAINING

It was a bad day.  A usual, run of the mill bad day that was cluttered with catching all red lights, red line traffic, lost erring, dead batteries, burnt dinner and tight clothes.  The kind of day that eroded my tolerance as the hours marched on.  No single annoyance was enough to set me off on its own, but when they ganged up on me, they sent me to the couch to binge-watch Friends at the end of the day.

Feeling exhausted thinking about one of your own days?  Expectations at work, an unkind person, or rambunctious kids on a rainy day can set any of us off.  Speaking for myself, these situations steered me into complaint mode.  There was a time that I was a real pro at this.  Honestly, if I were an inanimate object I would have been a vent!  My reactions could range from small harrumphs to livid language that insulted someone else’s IQ.  Or, as I tried to get better, I’d instruct people how to do it the right way with my blind arrogance.  

Oreo cookies always remind me of the latter.  One day I was grocery shopping with my husband.  It was during a time where I was being intentional about complaining less.  At the checkout the bagger placed my Oreo cookies on the bottom of the bag and proceeded to stack heavy items on top of them.  I took it upon myself to show her the correct way to bag groceries.  With elbows pumping I pulled everything out of the bag and gave her a lesson in how to re-pack the bag.  My husband, the cashier and the bagger all stood back with a look of horror on their face.  While I thought I was being helpful, my husband was embarrassed, the cashier was stunned and the bagger was insulted.  Scott ushered me out of the store as fast as possible, reprimanding my behavior.  I countered his argument with the fact that I was nice about the whole thing, and that people who came behind us would thank me because I just saved their Oreos!  He replied that there was nothing nice about what just happened!  The Oreo story still lives on as an example of “what NOT to do”. 

I tried all different types of behavior changes in an attempt to manage my complaining. Stuffing my feelings was another failed attempt. One day I picked up Christmas cards that included a photo of my kids.  It was a close-up shot of Alec holding Taylor on his back and they were wearing Santa hats with a blurred backdrop of Christmas lights.   I hadn’t realized that someone might not know that the picture was taken vertically.  When I picked up the cards though, I saw that they were printed horizontally.  It was too late to re-order them, and when I kindly pointed this out to the clerk I received an unconcerned shrug.  Instead of complaining I walked away from the counter burning with anger.  I was so upset that my hands were shaking and the sample card in my hand looked like it was being electrocuted!

I have many more examples of efforts that didn’t work, but eventually I landed upon the one thing that always works.  But before I get to that, I want to clarify what type of complaining I’m referring to. I don’t mean complaining about things such as social injustice, or situations or people who need advocates.  I mean complaining about the circumstances in my world that make my life inconvenient or exasperating.

This type of complaining is an exercise in self-absorption.  When I complain my eyes turn inward because most of the things I complain about affect my convenience, my expectations and my comfort.  Face it, there’s a gazillion things we can complain about which makes it even harder to manage.  Complaining is a real gnarly mess because it includes aspects of grief, disappointment, helplessness and frustration.  This is what makes dealing with it such a challenge!

I went to Scripture to take a closer look at complaining and you know, I found quite a bit of it recorded in the Bible!  The medieval Latin word for complain is com & plangere, which is a combination of the words expressing + lament.  Lament is an aspect of complaining and in case you didn’t know, there’s an entire book dedicated to it in the Bible!  There were Prophets who complained, the Jews did a lot of complaining in the desert, the book of Job has its fair share, and the New Testament doesn’t leave it out either. In Matthew 17:17 we see Jesus expressing His lament over the failure of the Disciples to heal a young boy, “O unbelieving and perverse generation,” Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me.”

I’m no Bible Scholar, but it sounds to me like Jesus is complaining.  Since we know that Jesus is without sin, I’m guessing that complaining isn’t a sin. But, it gets confusing and complicated when we see in Scripture how God doesn’t like it.   Now the people complained about their hardships in the hearing of the Lord, and when he heard them his anger was aroused. Then fire from the Lord burned among them and consumed some of the outskirts of the camp. ² When the people cried out to Moses, he prayed to the Lord and the fire died down. (Numbers 11:1-2)  The story then takes a plot twist where God gives them what they want, but they pay an awful price.  I told you it was complicated.  I encourage you to follow the link and check it out for yourself!

One thing I’m not confused about is that our magnanimous God wants us to come to Him with our complaints, anger, frustration, confusion and doubts because He is our Father.  Numbers 11:1-2 tells us the people in the desert were complaining among themselves about just getting manna to eat.  They wanted meat. They wanted more than what God was providing.  They were clearly disparaging His blessings without bringing their requests to Him.  This is very different from going to the foot of the Cross and baring our souls in an intimate and personal way.  As our Father, there is nothing that we can’t take to God, even our ugly feelings, because our feelings are never a sin, it’s what we do with our feelings that can lead us to sin.  

So, even while I believe that complaining isn’t a sin, I do believe that I don’t best reflect Him to the world when I do complain.  Through the years I discovered that complaining actually points a finger at my own selfishness, my helplessness and my insecurity.  Complaining is a fruitless exercise that attempts to eradicate all of this.  However, when I make it more about God, or someone else, I always manage to resist the downward spiral of griping.  When I gain this perspective, it reverses the direction of that spiral and produces better behavior. The skills necessary to get this perspective and to NOT make things about me are empathy and humility.  They are the virtues that allow us to step into new perspectives that actually change our hearts. There’s a couple ways this works for me: 

GRATITUDE

In situations when my complaining fuse is lit and sparks start to fly, I strive to turn the eyes of my heart outward.  Most of the time my small insignificant grumblings can’t compare to the problems that others are having in this world.  Case in point; have you caught yourself feeling contrite about something you’ve complained about after seeing the devastation that the hurricane victims are dealing with?  I know I have. 

Perspective mutes complaining because it redirects our focus from inward to outward.  This is the essence of the phrase “first world problems”.  Recently a worship vocalist at church had her in-ear monitors accidentally run over by a car, after falling out of her bag.  These in-ears are pretty expensive because they are molded to their ears.  Her response was, “Well, at least it wasn’t my leg.” (that got run over). She re-framed the situation by ushering in gratitude to shift her perspective.  Gratitude helps escort empathy and humility in so that we align ourselves with God.  It is at the foot of the Cross that we have the freedom to have it out with God, or have our fill of Him.  Either way we walk away better for it. 

VALUES

As a Life Coach, I offer my clients a values exercise.  The exercise makes you prioritize your values, because values have a pecking order.  The order of our values drives the direction of all our decisions.  The reason I mention this is because sometimes we value things over our happiness.  I remember a time when I was caring for my father during major health issues.  It was a tough, trying time and as you can guess, I was complaining a lot.  Now, I wasn’t complaining that I had to take care of my father, but I was complaining about all the things in my life that were affected by me having to take care of my father. 

Before I knew that our values had a pecking order, a friend of mine said to me, “You must love your family more than you love your happiness.”  That comment pulled the rug out from under my complaining feet.  It opened my eyes to see that I was actually choosing the circumstances in my life because I valued my family so much.  This perspective was a game changer.  I no longer felt helpless, I felt encouraged and solidified by the fact that, yes, my family was more important and worth it.  

This revelation helped me to manage my complaining better.  You see, for some reason I was walking around thinking that happiness was the ultimate goal of a successful life.  Well, according to my personal, ordered values, my family is higher on my list.  My guess is that most of you would have values higher on your list than happiness and don’t even realize it.  So, take a tip from me, and don’t be deceived to think that the end goal of life is happiness, because it rarely is.  We all have something that we would sacrifice for it.

Perspective mutes complaining and frees us up to see God, others and our values in a better light.  Truth be told, I still struggle with complaining.  Seriously, it’s easier for me to emotionally vent instead of taking a moment to reason it out.  But this, my friend, is the key to emotional intelligence and spiritual peace.  The time it takes to align yourself with God through reason and prayer, will always be worth it.  Empathy and humility will always strike complaining right in the heart and give you new eyes to see that even when circumstances aren’t going your way, or people don’t do what you say, you really aren’t helpless because you can pray and find things to be grateful for, or realize there is something more important to you and worth the frustration. 

Not complaining is a sacrifice and a work of love that Jesus modeled when He went to the Cross for us.  Now, that is the ultimate perspective to have!   

PONDER

Think about the things you complain about.  Is there a common denominator that would reflect what is going on in your heart?

Do you take your complaints to God?  Or do you complain to others?

WITNESS

What areas of your life do you use empathy and humility?  How is your perspective different when you experience them?  Who in your life does this well?

ACTION   

1)      What changes can you make to bring your complaints to God? (Prayer, Journaling, etc.)

2)      When you catch your complaining fuse being lit, find a way to signal yourself to turn your eyes outward.  Do this exercise for a month to build a new habit.

3)      If you are interested in discovering the pecking order of your values, contact me.  In only a couple Coaching sessions you will be able to identify what drives your decisions as well as gain perspective about what’s most important to you.

As a certified Christian Life Coach I can help you move from where you are to where God wants you to be. If you are interested in learning about your values then let’s chat. I'd love to be your champion in what God is calling you to do!

#Karynisms #CoachKaryn #EQandJesus #values #gratitude #emotionalintelligence #EI #EQ 

IDENTITY

When you picture God, what do you see? 

Whatever picture, thought or feeling you experience, potentially reveals inner secrets to your identity. 

I recently learned this while being trained in Freedom Prayer.  The instructors had us close our eyes and asked us to create an image of God in our minds.  Some people saw their earthly fathers.  The image of my Heavenly Father was something like the old-time Santa with the long, white hair and beard along with the plush, red, velvet robe, trimmed in stark ermine.  The Scripture from Isaiah 6:1 came to mind, I saw the Lord, high and exalted, seated on a throne; and the train of his robe filled the temple.  My wacky, creative brain also saw one of His arms as a wing of a bird, much like Psalm 91:4, He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.  In that soft, feathery space was a promise of protection and love.

In the training they taught us that our relationship with God involves aspects of identity, protection and provision. However, for some of us, our notion of God is skewed by our experience with our earthly fathers.  That human relationship influences how we approach the divine relationship and ultimately how we see ourselves.

As the exercise continued, people were sharing how close their picture of God was to them, however for me, my image was about 300 feet away. (I credit my GPS for knowing that!)   I didn’t think much about it until I went on a private retreat a couple weeks later where I experienced a labyrinth for the first time.  

A labyrinth is not a maze, but a designed walkway of inlaid brick that is flush with the ground and has one entrance in and one exit out.  The narrow, serpentine path has you walking across the soft, natural surface of green grass with one foot in front of the other, in a posture of prayer and meditation. 

I prayed before going in, not knowing what I could expect and it was there that the image of my Heavenly Father appeared, once again in the distance.  I always addressed God as my Heavenly Father without ever wondering why I called Him that, but it was in that moment that I realized how far away heaven was.  The expanse between me and heaven suddenly sunk my heart and stopped my feet in their tracks.  This meditative walk revealed my not-so intimate relationship with God as opposed to the intimacy I had with Jesus and the Holy Spirit. It was a startling surprise that uncovered buried clues that spoke to my identity. 

The labyrinth meditation suddenly brought about surprising thoughts of my father.  I loved my Dad very much and considered myself very close to him while he was alive, however I could see, with each step I took through the labyrinth, that his words had shaped my identity in ways that also impacted my relationship with God.

My father’s voice came alive in my mind and I heard him say, “That’s not an A.” This was his regular response to my report card.  Now, with the exception of algebra, my grades were A’s and B’s.  He probably thought that he was spurring me on to excellence, instead he was actually turning me into a people pleasing perfectionist.  He was also very quick to point out imperfections, “You know you have a pimple on your nose?”  Any teenage girl is hyper-aware of any pimple on her face, let alone one that landed on her nose… of course I was aware of it!  My dismay about my pimple turned into shame every time he pointed one out.  Then there was this time, when I was a ‘tween’, that I was wrestling with him on the floor.  It was all good fun and something my sisters and I would do on occasion.  This time, in the midst of our laughter, he comments offhandedly about my changing body, particularly the area that makes a woman, distinctly female.  I immediately shrunk with shame and embarrassment and never felt comfortable with my body from that point on. 

I became the tomboy of the family and often characterized myself as the son my father never had.  I was more comfortable identifying with my body as athletic instead of feminine and spent a lifetime torn between trying to deflect attention away from it and striving for acceptance because of it.  Being smart and athletic were the personas of choice.  But, try as I might to be more than my body, I couldn’t win because the voice of society joined in the chorus and the internal body image battle ensued.  I spent years hearing comments about my weight gain or loss.  Judgement was attached to each observation, carving deeper imprints of deficiency into my identity.  Approval became the quest of a lifetime, not only with my body image, but with my entire being as I strived to be enough for everyone.

Having so many experiences where I fell short of ‘me’ just being ‘me’, made ‘me’ not so comfortable with ‘me’.  As I worked to get approval from people, I also worked to get approval from God, and in my mind, I often fell short.  In the labyrinth, I realized that I had stuffed the space between us with the manufactured shame and disappointment I developed through the years.  It’s no wonder that I saw God at a distance. These deep, deficient blocks of my identity filled the sprawling chasm between us, even when I knew in my head that He loved me! 

Intellectually I know that I am covered by grace, which makes me as much a saint as a sinner.  However inwardly I got that all twisted up through misunderstandings, deceptions and a constant chorus of “You’re not enough,” from the world.  However, when God’s truth rings louder than the world’s clamor, I can see that He designed my body, mind, heart and soul in a way that delights Him.  Within the labyrinth, with each prayerful step, I was overcome with assurance and comfort that my God drew my eyebrows, formed my nose and sculpted my limbs with meticulous care.  More than anything was the assurance that He knows me through and through, and loves me all the more.

I struggle less with body issues these days, but if I’m honest, there are scars that tattoo my identity and cause me to be defensive or over-protective.  I feel like this when I make a point of complimenting young girls on something other than their looks, or when I correct my husband for commenting on someone’s weight loss.  But there are times I fall into the trap too. I just caught myself telling two new moms how good they looked, and even though it was an encouragement, I felt like my voice had joined the world’s chorus on how a woman’s body should look. Uuugh! Major fail!

When I find myself falling short and messing up (like I did with those moms), I wield my new skill of self-compassion. Self-compassion dismantles my critical spirit and preserves a healthy self-regard. It is a tonic for the soul, especially for perfectionists!  When applied with God’s truth there really isn’t anything more powerful that will align me with God’s love.

Through the years my self-regard took a pounding from the world, and the unintentional comments of a father who never imagined his words would cut so deep.  I am now a middle-aged woman, (with a pimple on my chin) who has achieved straight A’s only a few times.  It has taken years of unlearning to refurbish my self-regard into a healthy balance of respect, confidence and the willingness to admit mistakes in a nourishing way. I love how God keeps revealing things to me.  That day in the labyrinth He showed me how we can be loved imperfectly by those who love us the most, but it’s His love that is truly perfect and never disappoints. 

This labyrinth experience closed the gap between God and myself. He is much closer these days.  As a result of my new-found intimacy with Him, I can honestly picture myself under His soft, protective wing, nestled in His red, velvet lap, or sitting at His feet enfolded in the train of His robe.  My identity is who He says I am.  I am His child who He loves, who He chose, and who He holds tight with joy and delight.  Most importantly, He is no longer the far away Heavenly Father, instead, He is my Abba Father.  My God who wants to be intimately known and who wants to intimately know me – mess and all. 

PONDER

What did you see, or feel when asked to picture God?

Think of the people or circumstances that have impacted your identity.  In what ways has it impacted how you see God?

On a scale of 1 – 10 how intimate would you say your relationship is with God, the Father?

WITNESS

Self-regard is an important aspect of our identity.  God’s regard makes our self-regard a powerful force.  How do you think God sees you, and how does the Bible support that? Who in your life demonstrates a healthy self-regard, and what does that look like? 

ACTION

Self-compassion is a skill that bolsters self-regard, and strengthens your identity. 

1)      What ways can you be more self-compassionate? 

a.       Administer this tonic daily.

                                                               i.      5 Strategies for Self-Compassion

2)      Meditate on this Scripture: You are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you. (Isaiah 43:4a).

3)      If you are able to experience a labyrinth, I highly recommend it!

RESOURCE

SELF-REGARD

Self-regard is a critical emotional intelligence competency related to identity.  Individuals with a healthy self-regard respect themselves and accept both personal strengths and limitations while remaining satisfied and self-secure.  

SELF-COMPASSION

Self-compassion is extending compassion to one's self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering. According to Kristin Neff, Associate Professor Human Development and Culture, Educational Psychology Department, University of Texas at Austin, self-compassion is composed of three main components – self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

As a certified Christian Life Coach I can help you move from where you are to where God wants you to be. If you are interested in creating awareness and strength in your identity then let’s chat. I'd love to be your champion in what God is calling you to do!

#Karynisms #CoachKaryn #EQandJesus #identity #selfcompassion #selfregard #emotionalintelligence #EI #EQ 

CONUNDRUM

There has been a constant companion in my life, who I didn’t like much.  He’s cast shadows across my days since I was a toddler.  He’s not a person.  He’s an expectation of behavior that changes within cultures; a real moving target.  He can be oppressive and stifle spirits, but he can also offer safety and security.  “Just do as I say,” he entreats.  But when the person wielding him, doesn’t offer him in love, it becomes oppressive.  It’s the person or institution who uses him that makes him either dangerous or helpful.  He calls himself obedience and he’s a conundrum. 

Obedience has taken on many shapes and forms in my life.  As a child, I was supposed to obey my parents.  This didn’t always happen.  As an adult, I’m supposed to obey the law.  With the exception of a couple traffic tickets, I’m a good citizen.  As an adult Christian, I’m supposed to follow the religious law; the Ten Commandments, Great Commission, New Covenant law of loving God and loving your neighbor as yourself.  Hmmm, honestly, I think I do a better job driving. 

Everywhere I look, it seems there is something I need to obey.  Like a guardrail in my life, obedience has sometimes kept me safe, but other times when I refused to stay on the mandated road, I have done extensive body damage to my car.  Obedience has mangled aspects of me.  He has shut me down.  He has made me into a people pleaser.  And, after so many side-swipes and close calls, he has succeeded in making me a rule follower.  This unfortunately, elevates my own self-regard, which is a very dangerous thing because I come very close to being a Pharisee. See, I told you he was a conundrum.

He is defined as; compliance with an order, request, or law or submission to another's authority.  Doesn’t sound much fun, does it? Doesn’t even sound loving!  The concordance in my Bible has a column of Scriptures that feature him.  When I look at the long list, that seem to wag its finger at me, I get stiff with indignation.  I feel cloaked in religion instead of covered by Christ’s righteous. 

Years ago, a good friend believed God called their family to move out of state.  She did NOT want to go, but surrendered to what she and her husband believed was God’s call on their life.  Before they moved, in one of our last small group meetings, she sat uncharacteristically quiet. Just before she left she used the “obedient” word and you might as well have given her last rites.  It sounded like a torturous submission, like she had no choice, like she was powerless.  I was horrified!

Once moved I watched my friend struggle, but then eventually adapt. That was the beginning of a more intimate portrait of obedience for me.  After some time, I realized that ripping her away from her community and family was tortuous, but she did have a choice, and she was not powerless.  She chose to love The Lord who gave them the call to move, more than she loved her present life.  She was being obedient because she could trust in someone greater than herself.  Her response wasn’t motivated by religion, it was motivated by love. 

In God’s eyes, obligation or fear have no part in obedience – only love does.  He sets boundaries for us because He knows what’s best for us.  In a sin-laden world without guardrails, driving off cliffs is your alternative. 

A long time ago while preparing a MOPS talk on The Five Love Languages, Jesus showed me that He had His own love language. I guess we don’t always think about that, at least I hadn’t, but when He gave me eyes to see this, it was a game changer:

John 14:15, “If you love me, you will obey what I command.”

John 14: 21, “Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me.”

John 14: 23, Jesus replied; “If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching.”

John 14:24, “He who does not love me will not obey my teaching.”

After repeating how we can love Him through obedience four times in ten verses, Jesus shows us how He modeled this:

John 14: 31, “but the world must learn that I love the Father and that I do exactly what my Father has commanded me.”

Love –> Obedience…, yeah this was a conundrum to me for sure!  So, what happens when something, that has been part of your entire life, suddenly has new meaning?  A concept that always felt heavy, suddenly turned from oppressive to desirous.  Yes, desirous!  I can’t even believe I typed that word, but I really wanted to love Jesus in His love language. 

In the beginning how I felt when obeying, mattered less than the willingness of my heart to submit to my trusted Savior.  It wasn’t long before Jesus moved me down the path to a new obedience challenge.  I was obeying, but I was putting my people pleasing self to work and became embroiled in the outcomes.  Everything had to be perfect!  This is where He told me to hold the outcomes loosely and leave them up to Him.  Oooh, this was tough to do, but I worked at backing off and focusing more on my “process”.  I can come up with a process for anything! I figured I’d handle that and let Jesus handle the outcome…, yeah – nope!

At one point, I felt the tug on my heart to connect women mentors with younger women.  I didn’t even know where to begin.  The logistics were mind-boggling.  I felt a clear message to just assemble the mentors, without a plan! I rarely do anything without a plan!  But, God gave me the sense that the process would come out of the collective group and not just from me.  I started with a couple mentor/mentee pairs and let them know that there wasn’t a formal plan.  They worked out their own logistics and everything went well.  God had it.  He just asked me to make the connections. 

Letting go of the process as well as the outcome was a huge step in obedience and self-discipline.  The biggest surprise in all of this was that by doing so, I experienced freedom!  It’s difficult to explain, but when God calls me to do something, He’s only asking me for my small part.  He ensures me that He’s got the rest. 

I’ve recently returned from a speaker and writer’s conference called She Speaks.  There was plenty of networking opportunities and every table I sat at had women who said they didn’t know why they were there, they were just being obedient to Jesus’ call.  It was the majority of the women I encountered, and I was bowled over by the commitment they made to see what God wanted them to do with their precious stories of Him.  It was truly remarkable.  They were free from expectations and free from performance pressures, which freed them up to learn and fully experience the conference. 

Stepping into obedience, without fixating on the outcome, or how it’s going to happen, ushers you into a spiritual freedom like nothing else.  This type of obedience is motored by love that originates from a close relationship with Christ.  Remember when I said it depends on who is wielding obedience?  Christ is the perfect example of who we can always depend on to transform our obedience into freedom.  This is not a conundrum at all.  It’s God’s plan, demonstrated most visibly by His Son obeying, to the point of death on a Cross, so that we can experience that freedom! So, I encourage you to love Jesus in His love language and receive that special gift of freedom He has for you.

PONDER

What do you think about obedience?  What/who impacts your perception of him? Is he a friend, or foe?  What drives your obedience, fear/obligation or love?

On a scale of 1 – 10 how well do you:

-   Let go of the outcome?

-   Let go of the process?

-   Let God drive things?

WITNESS

Who demonstrates loving obedience best in your life?  Where do you see fearful obedience? What do you think about Jesus obeying, in light of the discovery that there’s freedom in obedience?

ACTION

Try this formula when you believe God is calling you to be obedient:

           1)   Listen to God.

      2)    Pray.

      3)   Confirm with another believer that it’s God’s will.

      4)     If so, then step out in faith.

      5)     Do your part.

      6)    Watch God move.

      7)    REPEAT often.

The Cat

[STORY BACKDROP]

My ninety-one year old mother-in-law, affectionately known as Grandma Ruth, moved in with us this spring. She lived with my sister-in-law, Pat, until Pat passed away last fall from ALS.  Pat owned a cat, who Grandma Ruth named and inherited.  She called him Scotty. My husband’s name is Scott. Yes, this is just one of the strange things in this story!  

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We didn’t want the cat; a beautiful creature with fat patches of snow white and butterscotch fur.  Pat’s daughter didn’t want the cat either and we seemed to be at a stalemate with his future. Ruth offered to put him down, but we weren’t going to let her do that! So the cat was coming despite my list of concerns and my disgruntledness.  

On my grumpy list of ‘no way can we take the cat’ was our dog.  We didn’t know how she would interact with him, as she was generally ferocious to any other four legged creatures. Allergies were another concern.  I had guests scheduled to come in town and they were now going to have to bring their Epipens.  But the one biggie on the list was dealing with the cat fur.  The ‘long haired cat’ cat fur!  I like cats. I’ve had cats.  But I’ve never liked what came along with all the fur.  So, by taking him in I was taking one for the team, and I made sure everyone knew it.

Fast forward a few months. Months of awkward cohabitation transitions of both animal and human specie.  Neither time or proffered affection toward the cat helped, because I still didn’t want all that came along with him.

So imagine my surprise when one Sunday last month I came home from a lunch date with a friend to find Grandma Ruth stooped over the motionless body of the cat.  He lay on his side, with his eyes (his yellow eyes) open.  

I walked in, carrying my work backpack and was confused by what I saw.  She hovered above him at a 90-degree angle, straining to tug his leg and tail. While she called his name over and over I said to her, “Ruth he isn’t responding. What happened?” I dropped my backpack on the kitchen counter and with dread looked over the sink at the scene from a safe distance. The cat was dead! I didn’t realize it, but I was in the initial stages of freaking out.

She said, “I heard a noise and thought Scott (the human) fell off the ladder.”  

I ran to the porch and hollered for Scott, who was re-screening the porch, “Scott, come quick!”

He yelled back, “What’s the matter?”

“It’s the cat!” I nearly shrieked, giving voice to my freaking out. 

“The cat?” he replied.  I could tell his alarm dropped considerably.  He was most likely thinking that something had happened to his mom.  We met on the screened in (or almost screened in) porch, and you know how when you get nervous you can laugh inappropriately?  I’m embarrassed to say I couldn’t contain the bubbly laugh that erupted as I said, “I think the cat is dead!”

Without much of an expression, Scott finds his way to the cat and shoos the dog away. “Take her,” he directs me.

I grab Bella, our 15 pound, non-shedding, Shih Tzu, and maintain a safe distance (again) by standing in the living room, peering over the couch.  I clutch the dog and watch as Scott gets on the floor, strokes the cat and looks for a pulse.

Ruth, who has been standing over the cat the entire time, goes and gets water to sprinkle on his face.  Even after a dousing, the yellow eyes remained open and vacant.  Scott pronounces that the cat is gone.

I’m standing afar, thinking this can’t be happening!  It was so sudden and shocking!  Guilt creeps in as I acknowledge that all I ever did was complain about the cat.  I complained about the tufts of white fur strewn all around the house and layered on the cloth couches and dining room chairs.  One day I was baking and clumps were on the stove top – ick, gag, yuck!  I scheduled the cleaning service to come more often to keep up with it and even took him, for the first time ever, to get brushed out at a groomer. He did not like me for that.

The cat was big, (almost 30 pounds) plus what looked like another 10 pounds of fur.  He was good and kept to himself, so he wasn’t a bother, BUT HIS HAIR was getting to me and I complained about it every chance I could get.  In fact, I had just finished complaining to my friend at lunch, before I walked in the door to find him dead!

I’m mortified to admit that as I was standing there repeating aloud, “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe this!” in a guilt-ridden stupor, a Scripture verse floated through my head: Delight yourself in The Lord and he will give you your heart’s desire. My freaking out and my guilt swelled!

The story we get out of Ruth is that she heard the dog and cat running around and then heard a loud noise.  Since it wasn’t Scott falling off the ladder she got up to see what it was and found the cat. She believes the cat ran into the wall and just died.  Yes, you read that right! Is that not tragically funny, or what?

We have no other explanation and our only witness is the dog.  We know Bella has a history of cleaning house with other animals (that’s another blog), so in my mind she is totally suspect!  But we will never know.  Ruth believes they were playing, but the cat never wanted anything to do with the dog.  I don’t think it was playing as much as it could have been fleeing!

I call our Vet and get their Sunday recording for the emergency Vet.  Scott stuffs the nearly 30 pound cat into a cat carrier that would accommodate a 15 pound animal comfortably. (How he traveled 2 days by car from Colorado in it was amazing to me.)

While Scott is off disposing of the body Ruth and I chat, or rather, I’m still freaking out saying, “I can’t believe this!” and “Oh my gosh!”  In between my incredulous hysterics our conversation turns. Initially Ruth stated matter-of-factly that things happen with animals all the time, and what are you gonna do?  She said he was Pat’s cat and wouldn’t have anything to do with her until Pat died.

In the course of our chat I said, “I’m so sorry, I know he’s your last link to Pat.” My guilt pokes at me again as the woman who never cries, can barely get the following words out because she’s so choked up with emotion.  

She manages to say between tears, “He was so happy here.  He hasn’t been happy since he left Chicago four years ago. I’m so glad he got to experience it here.”  Oh man, just torture me now!  I felt as if someone had stuck a pitchfork in my chest!

I asked if Ruth was happy here too and she nodded and said yes, which was heart-warming and assuaged a bit of my emotional distress.  I said, “You’re going to miss him aren’t you?” and she nodded again with new tears streaming down her cheeks.  He was just sitting on her lap the day before.  It was rare for him to be out during the day and she was petting him; both were quite happy and content.

I couldn’t sleep that night. I wrestled with my lack of remorse, yet would never have wanted the cat to die!  He was only 8 years old and I figured we’d have him for a long time.

Our Community Group was studying a book about feelings and that week we conveniently covered the chapters of guilt and shame!  As I tossed and turned I remembered that guilt comes as a result of something you ‘did’.  So, I began to review my actions toward the cat.  

·      We chose to receive him, rather than have him put him down.

·      We created space for his stuff and needs.

·      We investigated and inquired about his prescription food.

·      When he let me, I’d pet him and gave him affection. He was a beautiful cat.

In conclusion, I chose to operate above my feelings of inconvenience and intolerance. While I shared them via complaints to anyone who would listen, I didn’t share them with Ruth or even the cat.  My heart may not have been pure, but my action toward them was.  Since guilt is a response to things that you ‘do’, it dawned on me that I had never hurt the cat.  My actions were above reproach and while I wish I could say my heart was too, in this case it was actions that mattered.  

My heart will always have aspects of selfishness in it, and it’s that for which I’ve asked forgiveness.  If I have learned anything though it’s this: you don’t have to have your heart and actions aligned in order to love.  Love is truly a verb, an action that comes from a choice to sacrifice a freedom we want or feel entitled to, so that we can experience something greater.

I love Ruth, and the cat was a recipient of that love through some personal sacrifices I made, and regrettably complained about. As I write this I can see where God is taking me next... Can I forsake and sacrifice the next time in quiet humility instead of complaining? Can God be the only one to know the sacrifice I make to whomever I love next?  My prayer is that He can bring me to this place.  A place where an appearance of external peace would not betray the internal discontent. Because, ultimately, it is okay to be at odds with myself in order to love someone else well and demonstrate to others that that’s what’s most important – the loving, not the sacrifice!  

I realize the importance of acknowledging feelings, and work them out privately or with a trusted friend, but in my experience my feelings often are not to be trusted to carry out the will of God. John 3:30 says, "He must become greater, I must become less."

Every part of my base nature, in this case the selfish complaining, must become less and the loving must become more.  Once again God has graciously given me a new picture of what that looks like.  And I know He offers me holy fulfillment when I can do just what He did for me.

So, the cat is gone, but he has left a valuable life lesson.  And for that I am very grateful.

Goodbye Scotty~

PONDER

How does guilt impact your life?  See the definitions below in the resource section to identify if it’s drawing you closer to God or if you’re being deceived.

WITNESS

Who in your life can be a sacred sounding board to share and work out your feelings with?

Look for someone who demonstrates quiet humility and get to know them better.

ACTION

This week count how many times you complain about doing something for someone that you’d rather not do.  Provided it’s to love someone well, ask God to help your heart love sacrificially, in fulfillment, and for His glory.  When we ALL do this it fulfills God’s plan for us.

Become aware of any mistakes or errors you make over the next few weeks.  If you find yourself blaming “the system” or others, stop and assess your own responsibility.  Become aware of what your discontent looks like.  

RESOURCE

GUILT

is what we feel when we actually do something wrong.  Guilt is always about behavior. Through guilt our hearts confront behavior, and behavior, in turn, exposes the state of our hearts.  Guilt is relational. It speaks to the pain we have caused ourselves, others or God and drives us to forgiveness.

Healthy SHAME

is humility, it tells me that I am limited and that I need other’s help. Living with healthy shame is living within your appropriate authority, it shows us how deficient we are without others and God to help us live fully.

Toxic SHAME

creates self-rejection. We believe we should hide who we are, believing that we are defective and worthless.  Unlike guilt that gives us freedom, toxic shame increases the bondage of hopelessness.  It tells us we are never free.  It tries to work for forgiveness – to make us perfect. It tries to make us earn what is a gift from another’s heart.

Guilt always points to the need for forgiveness and reconciliation.  If the sense of guilt persists after honest searching, it’s probably not guilt. It is usually toxic shame telling us that we are bad, defective incompetent, or unforgivable. Go to God to break the chains of deception and accept His love and truth that you are a Child of the King, an heir and dearly loved!

Book referenced: The Voice of the Heart; a call to full living, by Chip Dodd.

SCRIPTURE

Hebrews10:22

…let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.  

1 John 1: 9 & 10

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.  If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.

Joel 2:13

Rend your heart and not your garments.  Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.

Psalm 51:17

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

As a certified Christian Life Coach I can help you move from where you are to where God wants you to be. If you are interested in creating awareness around guilt and shame then let’s chat. I'd love to be your champion in what God is calling you to do!

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