Left Lane Loafer

I love to road trip, and my favorite partner to road trip with is my husband.  Through the years we’ve developed traveling rhythms and travel roles. I arrange the luggage in the trunk, he shuts down the house.  He fills the car with gas before we leave, I route the GPS.  We both share the driving load; I usually drive in the A.M., because he doesn’t do mornings. He usually does afternoon driving, because I like a mid-day nap. It works… pretty much. 

We do have our small compromises though.  I prefer eating in the car to save on time, but he doesn’t, so we stop. He loves Subway’s tuna sandwich, but I get nauseous from the smell, so he orders something else. (This also goes for bananas. Yes, I know I’m weird!)

The biggest friction we have on trips is honestly our driving styles, particularly when it comes to the proper use of the left lane.  Early on in our road tripping days my husband always used the left lane.  He liked to hang out there and didn’t mind when the cars would pass him on the right, (giving me the nasty looks).  In the beginning I tried to overlook it, but that didn’t last long.  Eventually I gave in to irritation and would suggest, “You can move over.”  He’d say, “I’m fine. There’s no one around.”  And he would comfortably command the left lane. 

Photo Credit Mel King

Doesn’t sound like much of an issue when no one is around, I agree.  However, he would often get lost in the driver daydream and wouldn’t realize that other cars had eventually creeped in.  (Cue my, “You can move over now.” comment.)  In those moments when he realized he was lagging, he would then speed up, ultimately throwing off the pacing of the other cars and messing up their cruise control settings. 

Confession time here; when I’m the one passing on the right, I’ve been known to give the “look” and I’m not gracious at all when the left lane loafer decides to pick up the pace.  I will punch past the speed limit tolerance to make a point, and then pair that with a bit of commentary for the entire car to hear.  Not proud, but it’s the truth.

I share about the left lane loafers, and my disproportionate reaction to them for two reasons; first, it was behind the wheel of a car that I realized that I needed to change myself. And second, to show you the first steps I took in making that change. 

My life changing moment behind the wheel happened one day in the 90’s. I was driving on a side street in Chicago and as usual was impatient with the car ahead of me.  So, I passed him on a two-way street, which ended up being a close call for a potential accident.  I can’t remember all the details, only that I had pulled over afterwards, quite shaken up.  The car that I had skirted around drove past me and the passenger pushed his face, warped with anger, up to the filmy glass of his window. My brain processed this in slow motion and can only compare it to a terrifying fun-house clown coming at you out of an abysmal darkness. I could read his incensed lips, contorted with a grotesque ugliness. It was a two-syllable cuss word that twisted and elongated his face and gripped me with conviction. He was right, and I had to change.

That episode was one of the reasons that made me chase after real solutions.  That pursuit landed me, as early as 1995, into the world of emotional intelligence.  The very first thing I learned was the impact that emotional self-awareness can make. 

Like the left lane loafer who is in his own world and doesn’t realize there are cars around him, we too have behaviors we are unaware of that impact ourselves and others. Being emotionally unaware is like the blind spot on your car.  Developing it upgrades you to a rear-view camera and side mirror indicators. There are a couple approaches you can use to increase your self-awareness.

FEEDBACK FROM OTHERS:

Others are a great source of information for us.  The angry man sent me a very clear signal that initiated positive life change (although I recommend you choose better language!). We get feedback from others all of the time; some structured, like work-place reviews and other unstructured, like a nagging spouse.  It’s up to us to listen to it, verify it with God and others, and then receive it if it’s true. That’s all there is to self-awareness! 

Making changes is not a part of self-awareness. The first step is to just become aware. For instance, one can become aware that they are a jerk (like me in the car) and never choose to make a change.  While that would be unfortunate, it’s still the work of self-awareness because it brings you to the revelation and there’s great value just in that. It’s character that influences whether or not we choose to make a change. And as Christians our call to a character like Christ’s is what moves us in the right direction.

While others may not have access to our deep inner wells of thought and feelings, they are privy to much more than we think.  Years ago, in a meeting at work, a coworker had commented how my voice got louder every time I advocated for an outcome I wanted. That was a blind spot. I didn’t realize I was using something as simple as the volume of my voice to push my point and push over other’s ideas.  That was a valuable revelation and once I knew about it, I could then work to change it. You can’t change something you don’t know about!

Others’ body language is another good gauge to use. When you make it a point to notice it you can tell how engaged they are and how they are receiving what you are saying. It can tell you if you are talking ‘at’ them or ‘with’ them. If they are fidgeting, stuttering to get a word in, looking around or have their arms crossed, maybe it’s time to curb your enthusiasm and give them space to speak or to leave. It’s a simple skill to employ, but it garners good results.    

Let’s go back to our left lane loafers who sometimes wave off others responses, such as the nasty looks from those passing in the right lane, because they are comfortable and don’t care.  Not caring is the kryptonite to the value that self-awareness can bring.  Emotional intelligence cares about others and how we affect them, so the information we get from them is very helpful. When you listen to others, verify what they say with God and someone you trust, and then receive only what’s true, you can begin to build self-awareness.

(Please note, I’m talking about receiving feedback from others who are healthy contributors to your life. Even still, you need to weigh every word you accept and receive against God’s truth.)

SELF EXAMINATION:

Socrates says, “An unexamined life is not worth living.” Knowing yourself is the largest, most effective work of self-awareness.  Different assessments will shine light on our personality, love language, spiritual gifts, values, etc.  But shining the light on your emotional tendencies like knowing how you get mad, what happens to your body when you get fearful, or even identifying behaviors that tip off depression, are extremely advantageous to have.

A simple step of emotional self-awareness is to notice what your body does during an emotion.  Do your fists clench when you’re frustrated?  Does your neck kink when you’re stressed?  Does your breathing become rapid when you get angry?  Noticing what your body does is a key skill for knowing what’s coming next and being able to prepare for it.  For instance, I found that I will lean in when making a point or standing my ground.  It is my physical advocate defense.  This isn’t generally well received on the other side of me. When I notice that I’m doing this I can engage my breathing to slow things down and relax myself.  This actually helps my brain make better decisions in situations like that. These little things are a big deal!

Do you know what your face looks like when you are disgusted, proud, embarrassed or adoring?  In one of my workshops we do an exercise where people partner up and get an emotional word stickered to their back.  Their partner has to silently read the word, then act out the feeling.  Unless you get the word mad, or sad, most people struggle to replicate the feeling. 

Overall, the responses are that the exercise is difficult.  But I explain to them that their family - husband, wife or children - know what their face looks like when they are disgusted, proud embarrassed or adoring.  Even if they can’t manufacture the looks, they possess them and use them all the time.  You see we operate day in and day out with physical emotional language, but most of us don’t pay attention to how we do it.  Self-awareness helps you begin to notice.  And, during that game when someone has a partner that can easily display their word, it does become fun. 

Start noticing yourself.  Start noticing what your muscles do when you are disappointed.  Start noticing your breathing pattern under stress.  Once you gather this information, you are better able to institute a change. Self-awareness is the first key to developing your EQ because you can’t change something you are unaware of.  When it comes to emotional self-awareness most of us are left lane loafers.  We haven’t been raised to pay attention to how we are driving our emotions.  The good news is that it’s never too late to choose to change lanes, but first you have to know what lane you are even in!

PONDER

·       How would you describe yourself, and would others agree?

·       Feedback gives us stuff to ponder; how well do you receive it, and how well do you give it?

·       How well do you screen remarks and comments from others?  Are you regularly able to combat any lies and receive truth?

·       Ponder the Scripture below.

WITNESS

·       Witness anger (or other emotions) in others.  What do their bodies do? Animated programs are good to observe because the characters’ features are usually exaggerated and easier to see.

·       Children are great to watch because their emotional expression is typically uninhibited.  See if you can name their feelings.

·       Is there someone you know that remains calm under pressure and uses gentle speech when upset?  Ask them what they do to manage their feelings. (Note: you’re not looking for someone who suppresses or stuffs their feelings – that’s not healthy.)

ACTION

1.       Pay attention to what your body does this week in response to various emotions. Record your response as well as the situation that brought it about.

2.       Jeff Henderson, the Lead Pastor of Gwinnett Church in GA, was a guest speaker at our church.  In his sermon he recommended we ask the people in our lives the following question: “What’s it like to be on the other side of me?”  If you really want to enhance your self-knowledge, begin there with people you trust. You will receive more balanced feedback when you pose the question, as opposed to waiting to receive comments in the midst of emotional moments.

3.       Pray and invite Jesus into the process.  Read the Scripture below and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal areas of growth.

SCRIPTURE

Self-awareness cultivates wisdom and Scripture is full of examples.  Here are some passages that show us the value of being intentionally self-observant, caring and exercising self-mastery.

Proverbs 14:8

The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways…

Proverbs 14:15

A simple man believes anything, but a prudent man gives thought to his steps.

Proverb 21: 2

All a man’s ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart.

Proverb 25: 28

Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control.

Proverb 29:11

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.

Psalm 86:15

But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

Romans 2:4b

God’s kindness leads you toward repentance.

As a certified Christian Life Coach, I can help you move from where you are to where God wants you to be. If you are interested in gaining more self awareness, then let’s chat. I’d love to be your champion in what God is calling you to do!

#Karynisms #EQandJesus #EQCoachKaryn #emotionalintelligence #EQ #EI #selfawareness #Socrates #feedback 

Good Men

I was stirred from my nap by a creepy sensation.  Something wasn’t right. Too groggy to identify it, I opened my eyes and saw my uncle’s friend at the foot of my bed. I was 16, and he was 28. He was quietly making his way up the side of the bed with a handful of shaving cream in his hand.  I didn’t move, but in the confusion of sleep my eyes questioned what he was doing.  He stopped when he saw I was staring at him, wordlessly wondering what he was doing in my bedroom? Suddenly, the look of mischief, born from his imagined prank with the shaving cream, fled as he suddenly realized how inappropriate it was for him to be there.  In silent contrition, he slowly backed out of my room, drawn by the weight of conscience.

My situation was a prank that backfired, no harm was ever intended. However lucky I may have been, I have since encountered a number of women who were in situations where the weight of conscience wasn’t heavy enough to stop a man from harming them. Most of the stories that I know of have been molestations from family members, especially fathers. 

Years ago, before I discovered how wide-spread this travesty was, I was preparing a talk for a women’s retreat and was praying about what I would share. I was going to use fathers as an example of God’s love, but an unsettling feeling led me to believe God did not want me to, so I didn’t. As it turned out, during that retreat, a stream of testimonies revealed that many of the women had been violated by their fathers. I was breathless, heartbroken and shocked by the sheer number that came forward with liberating confessions. They had been innocent, vulnerable, little girls and young women who were victims of men who had betrayed the sacred father-daughter relationship. 

Since that time, I have been a sacred sounding board for even more women with stories of abuse from fathers, husbands, and brothers. Stories of betrayal, emotional manipulation, and the theft of innocence.  One violent story was a chilling account of being repeatedly stabbed and left for dead by her husband. These stories are real and they, unfortunately, are happening right under our noses.

A couple years ago, I was part of a project to serve women at a YWCA battered women’s shelter. Protected behind a tall, black, spiky, wrought iron fence were women and children trying to pull a semblance of life back together. I learned that a woman will seek refuge at a shelter on average of 7 times before she will finally leave the relationship.  After our visit, I was haunted about this reality and wanted to know more.  I didn’t like what I found: 

·       Every 9 seconds in the U.S., a woman is assaulted or beaten.

·       1 in 3 women have been victims of some form of physical violence by an intimate partner.

·       1 in 5 women will be raped in her lifetime.  

o   In comparison 1 in 8 women get breast cancer.

·       On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner.

·       On a typical day there are 20,000 calls placed to domestic violence hotlines nationwide.

·       1 in 15 children are exposed to intimate partner violence each year, and 90% of these children are eyewitnesses to this violence.⁵

The list above depicts physical violence, but there is also emotional abuse that takes place. My heart simultaneously flinches and roars against this reality. What makes this even worse is that women have been victimized throughout time. Crimes against us have an unattractive history, and it’s so sad to me that it still persists. Our young women are being preyed upon at colleges and it’s only in the last couple decades that, in most states, wives can take legal action against their husbands for rape.  

As devastated as I am for the women, God left a surprising burden on my heart that night for men. I wondered and mourned why there weren’t more good men? What blight has afflicted our boys’ characters? What conditions lead them down this road? What emotional shortcomings are threatened to the point of violence? What environments steal their honor and chivalry? What mechanism of society has made them perpetrators against those they have been entrusted to cherish?

These men are not evil monsters, they are our boys who live in plain sight as our mechanics, accountants, sales reps, teachers, and even preachers. This type of abuse plays no favorites; it includes all races, religions, and socio-economic levels. I realize there are no easy answers here, and I certainly am not claiming to have any. But, I can’t help but see a crisis of unknown proportion, and it alarms me!

This blog sat incomplete for two years because I struggled with two questions: “What’s the point (of my thoughts)?” and, “What’s the solution?” I wrestled with both of them, to no avail, until two recent events brought everything to a head. 

First, a friend asked for prayer as she put herself in danger by helping her friend leave an abusive husband. Days later her friend returned home. Then, I read about the rape and murder of an 8-year-old girl, as well as a separate, fatal, gang rape in India that have people protesting in the streets. Their social progress is tremendously challenged though, because even their lawmakers are accused offenders. (Can you hear my stomach turn?)

So, my point is simple; I’m angry. I’m really, really angry!  Sometimes that’s hard to work through, but anger is a God-given emotion. We can be angry, but we are called to not sin in our anger. (Ephesians 4:26) Jesus was angry, but He never sinned. He demonstrated righteous anger for how God’s temple was being treated. After clearing the temple, the blind and the lame came to him, and He healed them. (Matthew 21:12-14)

Anger is a secondary emotion. Whenever you’re angry you can trace your feelings back to either hurt or frustration. Anger is a choice; someone doesn’t make you angry, you actually choose to be angry. Choosing anger is okay when accompanied by reason and control. (Proverbs 29:11)

In your anger ask yourself; am I hurt or frustrated? That very action engages your reasoning. Identifying whether you are hurt or frustrated involves self-awareness, which is a core emotional intelligence (EQ) competency. This simple skill helps sort through the large, and sometimes consuming, aspects of anger. The essence of a healthy emotional intelligence is when your emotions and reason work together.

The anger I’m feeling is a righteous anger born out of frustration because this brutality is not aligned with God’s will. The very point of anger is to move you (or someone else) somewhere.  We generally use it to push people away, but when it moves us toward God, then it is doing its job. God can take our anger and help us handle our circumstance in a better way. 

I know this personally!  Working through my anger was a key spiritual building block.  I still choose anger, but it looks different—I have developed a vocabulary that helps me talk through it and express it without pushing people away.  This critical skill has helped me to love better.

So, my anger has moved me to not only pray for both the abused and the abusers, it has moved me to sponsor a survivor through the TN Coalition. My donation will change the locks on a survivor’s home.  April just so happens to be Sexual Assault Awareness Month #SAAM2018 (talk about God’s perfect timing for this blog!) There are many different ways to help, I encourage you to let your anger move you to do good too, just like Jesus did in the temple.  

As far as a solution, I don’t know an easy way to eradicate this violence, but I do know that we live in a fallen, sinful world.  I know that God’s best for us is regularly trampled upon this side of heaven. I know He weeps with both abused and abuser; this was never the life He intended for either. I also know that God can redeem all of this. His power and His reach are not too short. For anyone who has been ensnared in this darkness, know with certainty that no matter what has happened, you can be delivered from it.  No one is too far.  No one is too broken. In God’s economy, yesterdays do not dictate tomorrows. Christ makes everything new. 

I have seen first-hand the resilience of women who stand in God’s truth and have believed and received the hope that Jesus offers them.  With help, they’ve built a life of freedom from their past.  Men do this too; everything is redeemable! The only real way we make a difference in this crisis is by loving well and remembering that darkness can never put out light.  

So, I invite you to pray for more good men with me. Because being safe should have nothing to do with luck, which as I look back at many of my own life circumstances, was the only driving factor that spared me from being pulled into that darkness too.   

RESOURCES

• Tennessee Coalition to end domestic and sexual violence: https://www.tncoalition.org/
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.thehotline.org/
• Help for Abusive Partners: http://www.thehotline.org/help/for-abusive-partners/
• National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: http://www.ncadv.org/
• NCADV Statistics: https://ncadv.org/statistics

SCRIPTURE

Proverbs 4:8

Cherish her, and she will exalt you;
    embrace her, and she will honor you.

John 13:34-35

³⁴ “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. ³⁵ By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

Ephesians 5:25, 28-29

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church.

As a certified Christian Life Coach, I can help you move from where you are to where God wants you to be. If you are interested in gaining more control on your expressions of anger, then let’s chat. I’d love to be your champion in what God is calling you to do!

#Karynisms #EQandJesus #EQCoachKaryn #emotionalintelligence #EQ #EI #SAAM2018 #TNCoalition #anger #domesticviolence #endit

WHO DO YOU SAY I AM?

In a conversation with a co-worker many years ago, she described me as religious and I found myself deeply offended.  She didn’t accuse me of it, or even compliment me of it; it was part of a deeper conversation surrounding death, illness and suffering.  She just sort of made note of it.

I was initially thrown for a loop.  As a child, having been raised in what I call a culturally religious family, I performed sacraments that were empty and meaningless.  I adhered to doctrine that I didn’t understand and I never, ever cracked open a Bible.  I knew who Jesus was, kind of, but I knew more about rituals and liturgies than about His righteousness and love.

The insufficiency of religion is what propelled my spiritual walk, and for that I am grateful.  So, after years of seeking, accepting and learning about Christ, when my friend called me religious, it hit an old nerve.  I surprised myself by responding with calm conviction that I didn’t consider myself religious at all, that I had chosen faith as a life-style instead of religion. Faith that includes a church, the Bible and a relationship with Jesus Christ.

Please don’t misunderstand me; I am not bashing any church or denomination. I believe wholeheartedly in the local church! What I am criticizing was my own empty, uneducated, spiritual condition that was going through the motions, but wanting more. With Easter approaching, I think of the many church attenders who will hear only liturgy instead of love, and may know of Jesus, but don’t really know Him.  I ache for those who know that there is more and I want to give you assurance that there is! 

Easter is a beautiful celebration, without it you can’t have Christmas.  The birth of baby Jesus is meaningless without the resurrection of the (divine) man.  Andy Stanley says, “It wasn’t the teachings of Jesus that sent His followers into the streets, it was His resurrection.”  1 Corinthians 15 reports that after His death Jesus appeared to more than 500 people, in the flesh.  In that passage the Apostle Paul says that if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile.

  

I am by no means a scholar, but I don’t know of any other spiritual teacher/leader who did not meet with a final, mortal death. Jesus says to Thomas in John 20:27-29, “Put your finger here; see my hands.  Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” People, this really happened; it isn’t a fairy tale, a folk lore or a piece of fictional fantasy.  I choose to trust the guy who conquered death; I choose to give my faith to the one who loved me that much! 

One of the most important questions Jesus ever asked His Disciples was, “But what about you? he asked. Who do you say I am?” (Mark 8:29) Jesus still asks this today.  So, what about you?  Who do you say He is?

 Jesus’ sacrificial death is not only proof of God’s love for us, but the invitation of eternal life (made possible by… ta da… the resurrection!).  Back in 1 Corinthians 15 Paul writes in verse 19, If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men. This point drives deep into my heart.  How sad is it if Jesus’ teachings are only a coping mechanism for me in this life, with no promise for tomorrow?  There is so much hope beyond today and there is so much power that is available to me through the work of the Cross, really!  I live this out in the minutia of my days as well as in the mess of tragedy.  More importantly, many others, besides the Disciples, died for this truth.

I know I sound religious, but I’m not!  I’m in love and I am deeply loved back.  This love gives my faith carte blanche, this love attracts my obedience and this love endures even when I doubt.  This love is bigger than my insecurities, my insufficiency and my iniquities.  I celebrate this love this Easter in sacraments that are now filled with beautiful meaning because I understand the cost, the love and the victory that makes eternity available through the resurrection; a very real and historical event.

Jesus tells us in John 14:2-6, & 11:  

“I am going there to prepare a place for you.  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you with me that you also may be where I am.  You know the way to the place where I am going.” 

Thomas said to him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?” 

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me… Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves.”

This Easter I pray you lean into who Jesus Christ is, outside of any religious association.  I hope you are comforted by the fact that He is preparing a place for you and that He will return for you. The miracle of the resurrection opens the door to real faith and eternal life. This incredible piece of history inspired the Disciples and continues to inspire great works of faith in all of us who believe. I don’t think religion did this, I think Jesus Christ did.  I will take relationship over religion any day!  I revel in the reality of the resurrection – the cross is bare; the tomb is empty and our Savior lives! Join me this Easter in really celebrating this incredible truth.

PONDER

Who do you really believe Jesus Christ is?

WITNESS

They say what we believe about God is the most important part of ourselves.  How do you see that playing out in your life?

ACTION

Participate in an Easter worship service at a church that preaches God and Jesus as they are depicted in the Bible.  Pray that God moves in your heart so that you can see the depth of His love for you, personally.  I pray you crumple under the weight of gratitude when you receive it!

As a certified Christian Life Coach I can help you move from where you are to where God wants you to be. If you are interested in exploring your faith and getting unstuck spiritually, then let’s chat. I'd love to be your champion in what God is calling you to do! 

#Karynisms #EQandJesus #resurrection #HeIsRisen #religion #Easter #EQCoachKaryn #emotionalintelligence #EQ #EI

DISCIPLE-MAKERS

Hot messes seem fashionable these days, but I say unapologetically and without arrogance that I am not a hot mess. I have been a hot mess in the past (when it wasn’t so fashionable), but I’m not one now.  I’ve been redeemed and delivered from the scorching cost of striving to be someone to everyone.  I don’t apologize for my churchy words: redeemed and delivered, they are sacred to me because they came at a great price.

I’m not perfect by any means, but I am more stable and grounded in my faith than ever before. It wasn’t easy, but I had to give up a lot of lies and do a lot of unlearning to get where I am. It actually pains me when I see someone struggling with the same deception that God surgically removed from me. I feel compelled to share the truth that Jesus reveals to me, a truth that actually does set you free.  I’ve also been built and shaped by the Holy Spirit to reach out to others in ways that say, “I see you, and so does God.”

I know this because God saw me and sent others to let me know that He did.  My faith journey began as a child who first saw Jesus in a Catholic church, but it wasn’t until I was an adult that I went from being a believer to a disciple. Another churchy word, I know, but it is the delineating difference between a nominal faith and a faith that is committed to being a lifelong follower and apprentice of Jesus – someone who is serious about hearing and responding to God’s will.

In Greek the word disciple means “learner.”  Most people, however, are believers who attend church, but don’t want to be spiritually challenged.  They want Jesus to take care of them, but don’t want to exchange their old way of life.  Disciples aim to become fully Christ-like.  The words, actions, and motives of Jesus progressively become part of their heart and life as they grow their faith.

The way a disciple grows is like a railroad track.  The two parallel rails are spaced equally apart; one rail represents knowing God, and the other, knowing ourselves. The horizontal ties that keep the tracks aligned and connected is the Holy Spirit.  It’s gravely important for a train to lock into both steel rails in order to move forward, and if ties are missing, it adversely affects the stability and smoothness of the ride.  Unison is what makes it work well.

When I was a hot mess it was during a time that I was growing in my knowledge of God, but I wasn’t growing in knowledge of myself. This created friction between knowing what I was supposed to do (because the Bible told me so), but not being able to do it. My emotions were just too big to handle. The stress of everyday life could throw me off-kilter and my children were usually the reluctant recipients of a mom who didn’t resemble Christ at all! 

The struggle for self-mastery became the biggest hindrance to becoming a radiant reflection of Christ, which was what I truly desired.  Instead my bossy, self-righteous, steam-rolling, hot mess self, sprayed emotional shrapnel all over the place.  I knew better, but I needed more know-how!  My prayers for help to manage my emotions turned into prayers that told God that prayer wasn’t enough; I needed skills!  Unoffended by my impertinence, my gracious God did just that.

I’m certified in many assessments and have taken many trainings, all of which have been incredibly valuable, but having skills and self-knowledge alone doesn’t make me a disciple. I also need to know God intimately by having an abiding relationship with Him and knowing His Word.

When you ride both rails of knowing God and knowing yourself, and then combine this with the willingness to share His truth in a relational way with others, then you have become a disciple-maker.  Disciple-makers are consistent in their love for God. They have a desire to chase Him for the sake of chasing Him and then delight in sharing that adventure with someone else who is interested in chasing him too.  Jesus calls all believers to be disciple-makers when he says in Matthew 28:19, “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.”  

One great sadness I carry is that I never had a mentor formally come alongside me in my faith journey. It wasn’t because I hadn’t asked for or searched for one, it just never happened. I was fortunate however, to have wonderful Christian peers and organizations dedicated to building me up in Christ, for which I am profoundly grateful. If I’m honest though, not having a mentor left a small hole in my heart and a little chip on my shoulder that eventually made me want to become the person I longed for; and so I have, and it is so fulfilling!

Disciple-making is different than leading someone to Christ, or teaching someone a Scriptural truth; it’s equipping, training, and investing in new believers so that they, in turn, can invest in someone else.  You are a disciple if you learn what Jesus said and live out what Jesus did.  You are a disciple-maker when you help someone else do that too.   

Disciple-makers have:

- Empathy: they identify with the life experiences of others.

- Generosity: they give of themselves from what God has given to them, and they have the ability to suspend judgement.

- Faith: they share and demonstrate their own faith with others, in order to encourage and equip.

- Humility: they understand who they are in the sight of God. They are willing to be empty so that they can be filled by God.

- Love: Love is the true mark of a disciple, and those who are called to be disciple-makers give back to God the love they have received through the expression of obedience, and, in love, they hold others accountable to God’s truth.

Does this resemble your heart in any way?  If so, find someone to pour into. Age does not qualify (or disqualify) you for this, just having something to pour out does.  Of course, that requires that you have something to pour out.  

Both disciples and disciple-makers need to be filled, whether that’s truth gleaned from spiritual disciplines or experiencing God in life circumstances.  They are intimately connected to God and attend to their own self-leadership with interest and excitement. They are hungry for God and suffer to know His will.  

However, disciple-makers carry an extra responsibility for what they pour out, so it’s critical that they fill up on truth and not junk. They are also called to be moral and spiritual leaders-challenging, encouraging, and influencing others by example. This isn’t something to shy away from though, it’s an opportunity to lean into it and watch God work through you.  It’s a place of honor that always gives God the glory.

I’m calling all disciple-makers to be a part of that because I believe it’s time for revival in the hearts of believers. It’s time to rise up and transform their complacency, confusion, or errant beliefs into inspiration, clarity, and truth.  If that’s you, hitch your spiritual train to the rails that God sets before you and holler, “All aboard!”  I call to you from the hole that still gapes in my spiritual heart…. Be the person you had, or would have wanted to have in your spiritual journey.

Now, more than ever, it’s time to go and make disciples…(Matthew 28:19)

PONDER

Your spiritual journey is a progression of transformation.  Where are you on this continuum: seeker -> believer -> disciple -> disciple-maker?

Here are next steps to consider:

- Seeker: Ask, seek and knock and Jesus will not let you down.

- Believer: There is more than accepting grace in a faith journey.  You are called to become a disciple; ride the rails of knowing God and knowing yourself and allow the Holy Spirit to guide your next steps. Start by getting to know God and yourself more and find a disciple-maker.

- Disciple: Know God and know yourself.  On a scale of one to ten, how much do you look like and know Jesus?  In what ways is God calling you to the next level of discipleship?  Knowing your spiritual gifts helps you to determine your next steps.

- Disciple-Maker: As you mentor, pastor, lead, or coach, you must fill up before pouring out; how well are you doing that?  What grade would you give your self-mastery efforts, and how balanced is your knowledge of yourself and God?  

WITNESS & ACTION

Disciple-makers, take initiative and recognize the believers that God has put in your life to serve.  Schedule a time to get coffee and get to know them.  Ask how you can help their walk with God. Sometimes God uses you for a season, and sometimes for the long run.  Be willing to let God work through you…and then behold!

SCRIPTURE

“Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.” (Matthew 28:19)

“By this will all men know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:35).  

⁷ “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. (Matthew 7:7-8)

As a certified Christian Life Coach, I can help you move from where you are to where God wants you to be. If you know better but want more know-how then let’s chat. You can improve your self-leadership and become the disciple-maker you want to be!  I'd love to be your champion in what God is calling you to do!  

#Karynisms #EQandJesus #discipleship #disciple #disciplemaker #knowGodknowyourself #EQCoachKaryn #emotionalintelligence #EQ #EI

Anorexia vs. Small Voice

Imagine you are twelve years old again; you just moved into a new neighborhood and your mother drives you up to a brown, brick house.  She stops the car, tells you to ring the doorbell and make a friend.  You muster everything you’ve got to shuffle your way up the stairs of the Chicago bungalow, ring the doorbell and wait anxiously.  As soon as the door is answered, your mother drives away and all you’re left with is a nervous smile and a hello.

Shocking, right?  Terrifying to most people, but especially traumatic for a chubby, introverted, middle-school girl.  Well, allow me to introduce you to my courageous friend Kathy. This heavy-set, freckled faced, blue-eyed girl had fulfilled her mission that day to make a friend, and it turned into a bond that lasted a lifetime.  Today I testify as a witness to her faith in a life-long struggle with addiction, anorexia and depression; the trifecta of oppression.

Kathy’s struggle with alcohol began very early. She started to drink in her teens and it had escalated by college. Having witnessed family members deteriorate with this disease, she knew what road she would be headed down, so at 22 she admitted herself into a rehab program.  

During this time she worked at losing weight. When she began to successfully manage the drinking, my sober, overweight friend drifted into the world of anorexia/bulimia.  Through the years this disease ravaged her body: her teeth decayed, her hair fell out, her skin split at her fingertips and her body didn’t have enough fat to menstruate.  Starvation isn’t pretty.  At one time, after complications from gallbladder surgery, her body weight dropped to 72 lbs.  She endured a stroke, heart problems, and memory loss from that incident.  It was frightening to me because that was the first time I had seen the face of death on someone still alive. 

Kathy also battled with chronic depression and occasional suicidal thoughts.  She spent years under the care of medical and mental health professionals who were mostly clueless about how to eradicate it, but were able to manage it.  Her medical doctor put her on a TPN (IV nutrition therapy) with a central line that bypassed her stomach in order to keep her weight from dipping under 90 lbs. I lost count of how many times she did this, but it is what kept her body going in such a way that you’d never know she was debilitated.  What kept her spirit going, though, is the real story here. 

Kathy was a smart, generous, loving friend that cared more about everyone else than she did herself.  Her biggest gift was that she was thoughtful and wise; her greatest curse was that she was thoughtful and unwise.  She had wisdom when it came to investments and figuring out the most economical way to do anything, but she wasn’t wise enough to navigate around the imbedded lies that said she wasn’t enough, worthy or valuable. 

While all of us wrestle with these thoughts on some level, Kathy was crippled by them.  Years of telling her otherwise was fruitless.  No matter how much I, or anyone else tried to combat the lies in her head with words of truth, the effort was impotent against the disease that spoke louder. That disease didn’t allow her to see the beautiful child of God that Jesus saw. Believing badly mutes God’s voice.  Kathy heard “no good”, “disappointing” and “worthless” when God was really saying “worthy”, “loved”, “beloved”, and “delighted in”!

The lies that Kathy believed not only caused emotional pain, but also physical pain.  She told me she’d wake up every morning and say, “Crap!” because she was still alive.  I challenged her one day, and asked why she was still here, why didn’t she just end her life?  She told me that was out of the question, because underneath the din of the obnoxious lies that she battled every day, she heard a small voice that told her to keep hanging on.  She knew that small voice to be God, and even though it was a whisper, it was strong enough to make her endure complications from all the TPN’s and incredible pain in her shoulder and legs. 

As different as our lives were, Kathy and I shared a devotion for God that shaped our faith.  I’ve gotta tell ya – she walked out some serious faith!  She fought the demons that oppressed her joy, and robbed her of her health, because she heard a small voice that she knew was God telling her to hang in there.  When medical professionals didn’t know what to do with a 40-year-old anorexic woman, (because no one had ever lived that long) my dear friend who heard the small voice of God, lived until the age of 56.  If the power of God’s voice at such a low volume could do that for Kathy, how much more do I need to obey when I hear Him speak love and truth to me every day? 

In the midst of pain and emotional oppression, she lived a fruitful and productive life that loved, a life that gave and sometimes a life that knew better (and she’d pointedly let you know that, because she loved you).  She strived to be loved, but she never fully experienced that even though everyone in her life loved her dearly.  Recently, after another battle with a TPN infection, her body succumbed to death, but not because she dictated it, but because she followed the small voice of God that called her home.  She is now face-to-face with Jesus, standing in the perfect truth of her worth, in peace and out of pain. 

Sadly, belief does not spare us from the battle. The one thought that she knew in her head, but never permeated her heart, was that she didn’t have to do anything to be loved by God.  He already loved her, that’s why He sent His only Son, Jesus to die on the cross for her.  My dearest friend was a daughter of the King, who was robbed of an abundant life by powerful lies.  The most helpless I’d ever felt in my life was trying to convince her of that.  While I miss her dearly, I am comforted that her belief in Jesus has brought her into the light of eternity where I know I will one day see her again.

Kathy’s earthly life was a battle that was fought by a heart that was bigger than her body and a faith that obeyed.  She demonstrated what happens when God’s whisper meets our love.  I’m so blessed to have shared decades with her and am indebted to the brave little girl that knocked on my door all those years ago. 

PONDER

What are all the ways you hear God?

On a scale of 1 to 10, how well do you take captive every thought and challenge it against God’s truth?

WITNESS

How do others see you obeying God’s voice or guidance?

ACTION

Dial up ways to hear God’s whispers:

-        Read Scripture

-        Pray & meditate

-        Journal

-        Take a walk in nature

-        Listen to worship music

-        Lose yourself in art; creating it or viewing it

SCRIPTURE 

1 Kings 19:11-14 (MSG)

^11-12 Then Elijah was told, “Go, stand on the mountain at attention before God. God will pass by.”

A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God, but God wasn’t to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but God wasn’t in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but God wasn’t in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper.

^13-14 When Elijah heard the quiet voice, he muffled his face with his great cloak, went to the mouth of the cave, and stood there. A quiet voice asked, “So Elijah, now tell me, what are you doing here?”

Luke 8:18

¹⁸ Therefore consider carefully how you listen. Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what they think they have will be taken from them.”

John 15:4

Remain in Me and I will remain in you.

Romans 12:2

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

As a certified Christian Life Coach I can help you move from where you are to where God wants you to be. If you are interested in  getting clarity on what you're hearing from God, then let’s chat. I'd love to be your champion in what God is calling you to do!  

#Karynisms #EQandJesus #anoreia #bulimia #BFF #EQCoachKaryn #stillsmallvoice #gentlewhisper #CoachKaryn