Anorexia vs. Small Voice

Imagine you are twelve years old again; you just moved into a new neighborhood and your mother drives you up to a brown, brick house.  She stops the car, tells you to ring the doorbell and make a friend.  You muster everything you’ve got to shuffle your way up the stairs of the Chicago bungalow, ring the doorbell and wait anxiously.  As soon as the door is answered, your mother drives away and all you’re left with is a nervous smile and a hello.

Shocking, right?  Terrifying to most people, but especially traumatic for a chubby, introverted, middle-school girl.  Well, allow me to introduce you to my courageous friend Kathy. This heavy-set, freckled faced, blue-eyed girl had fulfilled her mission that day to make a friend, and it turned into a bond that lasted a lifetime.  Today I testify as a witness to her faith in a life-long struggle with addiction, anorexia and depression; the trifecta of oppression.

Kathy’s struggle with alcohol began very early. She started to drink in her teens and it had escalated by college. Having witnessed family members deteriorate with this disease, she knew what road she would be headed down, so at 22 she admitted herself into a rehab program.  

During this time she worked at losing weight. When she began to successfully manage the drinking, my sober, overweight friend drifted into the world of anorexia/bulimia.  Through the years this disease ravaged her body: her teeth decayed, her hair fell out, her skin split at her fingertips and her body didn’t have enough fat to menstruate.  Starvation isn’t pretty.  At one time, after complications from gallbladder surgery, her body weight dropped to 72 lbs.  She endured a stroke, heart problems, and memory loss from that incident.  It was frightening to me because that was the first time I had seen the face of death on someone still alive. 

Kathy also battled with chronic depression and occasional suicidal thoughts.  She spent years under the care of medical and mental health professionals who were mostly clueless about how to eradicate it, but were able to manage it.  Her medical doctor put her on a TPN (IV nutrition therapy) with a central line that bypassed her stomach in order to keep her weight from dipping under 90 lbs. I lost count of how many times she did this, but it is what kept her body going in such a way that you’d never know she was debilitated.  What kept her spirit going, though, is the real story here. 

Kathy was a smart, generous, loving friend that cared more about everyone else than she did herself.  Her biggest gift was that she was thoughtful and wise; her greatest curse was that she was thoughtful and unwise.  She had wisdom when it came to investments and figuring out the most economical way to do anything, but she wasn’t wise enough to navigate around the imbedded lies that said she wasn’t enough, worthy or valuable. 

While all of us wrestle with these thoughts on some level, Kathy was crippled by them.  Years of telling her otherwise was fruitless.  No matter how much I, or anyone else tried to combat the lies in her head with words of truth, the effort was impotent against the disease that spoke louder. That disease didn’t allow her to see the beautiful child of God that Jesus saw. Believing badly mutes God’s voice.  Kathy heard “no good”, “disappointing” and “worthless” when God was really saying “worthy”, “loved”, “beloved”, and “delighted in”!

The lies that Kathy believed not only caused emotional pain, but also physical pain.  She told me she’d wake up every morning and say, “Crap!” because she was still alive.  I challenged her one day, and asked why she was still here, why didn’t she just end her life?  She told me that was out of the question, because underneath the din of the obnoxious lies that she battled every day, she heard a small voice that told her to keep hanging on.  She knew that small voice to be God, and even though it was a whisper, it was strong enough to make her endure complications from all the TPN’s and incredible pain in her shoulder and legs. 

As different as our lives were, Kathy and I shared a devotion for God that shaped our faith.  I’ve gotta tell ya – she walked out some serious faith!  She fought the demons that oppressed her joy, and robbed her of her health, because she heard a small voice that she knew was God telling her to hang in there.  When medical professionals didn’t know what to do with a 40-year-old anorexic woman, (because no one had ever lived that long) my dear friend who heard the small voice of God, lived until the age of 56.  If the power of God’s voice at such a low volume could do that for Kathy, how much more do I need to obey when I hear Him speak love and truth to me every day? 

In the midst of pain and emotional oppression, she lived a fruitful and productive life that loved, a life that gave and sometimes a life that knew better (and she’d pointedly let you know that, because she loved you).  She strived to be loved, but she never fully experienced that even though everyone in her life loved her dearly.  Recently, after another battle with a TPN infection, her body succumbed to death, but not because she dictated it, but because she followed the small voice of God that called her home.  She is now face-to-face with Jesus, standing in the perfect truth of her worth, in peace and out of pain. 

Sadly, belief does not spare us from the battle. The one thought that she knew in her head, but never permeated her heart, was that she didn’t have to do anything to be loved by God.  He already loved her, that’s why He sent His only Son, Jesus to die on the cross for her.  My dearest friend was a daughter of the King, who was robbed of an abundant life by powerful lies.  The most helpless I’d ever felt in my life was trying to convince her of that.  While I miss her dearly, I am comforted that her belief in Jesus has brought her into the light of eternity where I know I will one day see her again.

Kathy’s earthly life was a battle that was fought by a heart that was bigger than her body and a faith that obeyed.  She demonstrated what happens when God’s whisper meets our love.  I’m so blessed to have shared decades with her and am indebted to the brave little girl that knocked on my door all those years ago. 

PONDER

What are all the ways you hear God?

On a scale of 1 to 10, how well do you take captive every thought and challenge it against God’s truth?

WITNESS

How do others see you obeying God’s voice or guidance?

ACTION

Dial up ways to hear God’s whispers:

-        Read Scripture

-        Pray & meditate

-        Journal

-        Take a walk in nature

-        Listen to worship music

-        Lose yourself in art; creating it or viewing it

SCRIPTURE 

1 Kings 19:11-14 (MSG)

^11-12 Then Elijah was told, “Go, stand on the mountain at attention before God. God will pass by.”

A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God, but God wasn’t to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but God wasn’t in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but God wasn’t in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper.

^13-14 When Elijah heard the quiet voice, he muffled his face with his great cloak, went to the mouth of the cave, and stood there. A quiet voice asked, “So Elijah, now tell me, what are you doing here?”

Luke 8:18

¹⁸ Therefore consider carefully how you listen. Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what they think they have will be taken from them.”

John 15:4

Remain in Me and I will remain in you.

Romans 12:2

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

As a certified Christian Life Coach I can help you move from where you are to where God wants you to be. If you are interested in  getting clarity on what you're hearing from God, then let’s chat. I'd love to be your champion in what God is calling you to do!  

#Karynisms #EQandJesus #anoreia #bulimia #BFF #EQCoachKaryn #stillsmallvoice #gentlewhisper #CoachKaryn

REST

Imagine you are at a concert of your favorite artist.  The music surrounds you, it builds and ebbs and fills you.  You transcend time and space, caught up in the bubble of melody and percussion while the rhythm and mood transport you elsewhere.  It doesn’t matter what style of music or what type of song, music masterfully touches a visceral part of us.  Whether it’s light and fun or thick and dramatic, when we give ourselves over to music it can be powerful.

The construction of music is beyond my comprehension, but this morning when I was thinking about my topic of rest, music came to mind.  So, I looked up the definition of a musical rest:   A rest is an interval of silence in a piece of music, marked by a symbol indicating the length of the pause.

The length and amount of silence in music is what fascinated me.  If music didn’t have rests, think how exhausting it would be! This brought to mind my own life rhythm.  I am guilty of having two speeds; off and fast which tends to look like the strength-sapping velocity of the children’s song, The Song That Doesn’t End, rather than the storied tempo of a worship song.

I struggled to find a rhythm to my new life and schedule when I moved to Tennessee.  Working in ministry created a 24/7 type of schedule even though I was part-time.  Combined with my coaching business and family, it was difficult to carve out periods of rest. Rest is the ability to cease work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself, or recover strength. 

After months of not experiencing this, I realized I needed to do something to get a better handle on the pace of my life.  

Through prayer I was led to learn more about the Sabbath.  You will find the Sabbath mentioned in the Ten Commandments.  Sandwiched between all the “Shall nots” are two commands that begin with Honor and Remember.  One has to do with our parents and the other refers to rest.  

I never enacted a Sabbath day before; truth be told, I’ve had lazy days (remember my “off” speed), but I never had a day that I kept holy through rest. I thought that this might be a good start, so one Friday I prepped my meals and handled errands in preparation of a Saturday Sabbath.  Saturday came and… I sat. Don’t get me wrong, I can sit with the best of them, but something felt awkward.  I felt I was supposed to do something specific on top of all the stuff I wasn’t supposed to do. I know that sounds a bit wacky, but here’s how it played out; I caught myself wanting to make cookies and thought “Oh no!  I can’t do that!”  There were other “Oh no’s and can’t do’s!” throughout the day which just ended up exhausting me.  I felt like I was wearing a strait jacket!  It felt like a legalistic punishment rather than a holy experience.

Shortly after that exercise I found this Scripture in Mark 2:27, Then Jesus said to them, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.” 

This was liberating!  It removed the weight of the law and freed me up to see that remembering the Sabbath day by keeping it holy, meant that as a daughter of the King I had the freedom to delight in and to remember Him in ways that brought rest and renewal.  

That blunder of a Sabbath day revealed that REST did not just mean KEEPING STILL.  True, stillness can be a powerful aspect to rest and spiritual renewal, but keeping still out of the fear of not doing it right, or a non-sacred obligation, isn’t what God wants at all. So, I focused on things that would delight me and honor God.  Cooking cookies delighted me (well, really eating them did), so I did that with the Lord and remembered Him.  Other things like hiking and creative outlets fill me up and when I’m filled up with the Lord, it’s just plain good all around.

It is still a real challenge for me to keep the Sabbath.  Even though I have experienced the benefits of it, life can get busy.  Sadly, busyness is a badge of honor that I wear proudly.  The embarrassing truth is that sometimes I love what I get out of busyness more than I love what I get out of the Sabbath – hit pause here though, because this busyness stuff is content for another blog! 

Even though I knew about the Sabbath, I never really internalized the magnitude of it.  Then, all of a sudden, it was as if someone suddenly translated what Charlie Brown’s mother was saying, and the wha, wah, waa became the startlingly truth that the Sabbath is a command.  (For anyone sensitive to the word command, think of it as operating instructions from the manufacturer.  The Manufacturer and Creator who knows what’s best for you.) 

I had been treating the Sabbath as if it was God’s recommendation or suggestion. Like an elective that I could choose to do or not do.  But it’s not an elective, and this quote from Dallas Willard gave me a hint why it isn’t: “Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day.  You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life.”  My spiritual life is important to me and so I need to engage in the struggle for its health. When I give hurry a place in my heart, there is less room for the sacred. The Sabbath shifts hectic to holy.

After much pondering, it all boils down to this for me; rest is a command and Jesus says, three different times in John chapter 14, “If you love me, you will obey what I command.” Can you hear the deflated echo of my spiritual heart? I do love Jesus, so this has become a battle worth fighting for.  It takes effort and planning to rest.  It takes putting aside lies that say I am less worthy when I rest. It takes wisdom to act on my love for Christ and rest.  Lastly, it helps to know that God was the first one to take a break!

When we make this commandment an expression of our love to God, we create beautiful music with our lives: EXODUS 20:8-11 ⁸ “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. ⁹ Six days you shall labor and do all your work, ¹⁰ but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. ¹¹ For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore, the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.

Everything has a rhythm and season.  Dormancy is part of the rhythm because it’s a time of regeneration.  It is undercover work that shows up in ways our friends and family can appreciate and participate in.  Rest models how the Omnipotent operates and allows us to teach our children how to be still and peaceful, rather than anxious when idle.  In holy rest we experience joy because we are with Him (Psalm 16:11). 

No matter how much time you elect to have for your Sabbath, you accrue a spiritual currency that will bring wealth to your soul. 

Not only will this time help you grow your relationship with Jesus, but it will better equip you to fight off life’s distractions and disappointments, because you have established a habit of entering His rest, and can do so at any time. 

Instead of a frantic children’s song that never ends, your life can be a splendid musical score with high swells and deep dives, marked by stunning rests where you abide with God and compose a life song that will nurture your soul and glorify Him. This can happen through Sabbath rest, not because you’re ‘supposed to’ but because you love Jesus that much!  

PONDER:

There is a difference between rest and Sabbath rest.  Both are important. 

REST:

1)    Our bodies and minds need to physically rest, and sleep is one of the best ways to regenerate.  Sleep deprivation is the epidemic of our day, causing detrimental health issues.  On a scale of 1 to 10, (10 being excellent) how well are you resting your body and mind?

2)    How does rest, or lack of rest, impact your spiritual life?

3)    Ponder the cost of not resting.

SABBATH REST:

1)    What was your initial reaction about rest being a ‘command’ from God?

2)    When you think of ‘holy rest’ what comes to mind?

3)    Do you carry any misconceptions about rest and your worth?

  

WITNESS:

Who in your life is a good example of rest and Sabbath rest? 

What benefits do you see in the lives of others who rest well, and rest well in God?

Who could help you to rest better?

ACTION:

Document your time for a couple weeks.  After doing so you will see what is really important to you, because we generally do what’s important to us!  Your values drive the decisions you make with your time.  What do the facts say about what you value or what’s important to you? How do self-care (rest) and spiritual care (Sabbath rest) factor in? 

Coaching helps you make changes in your life, in order to live the way you want to.  If you are looking to get a handle on the rhythm of your life, contact me and together we can craft a strategy to get you where you and God want you to be.

SCRIPTURE 

Exodus 20: Ten Commandments

And God spoke all these words:

1)    “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. ³ “You shall have no other gods before^[a] me.

2)    ⁴ “You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below.⁵ You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, ⁶ but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.

3)    ⁷ “You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.

4)    ⁸ “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. ⁹ Six days you shall labor and do all your work, ¹⁰ but the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. ¹¹ For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.

5)    ¹² “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.

6)    ¹³ “You shall not murder.

7)    ¹⁴ “You shall not commit adultery.

8)    ¹⁵ “You shall not steal.

9)    ¹⁶ “You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.

10) ¹⁷ “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”

¹⁸ When the people saw the thunder and lightning and heard the trumpetand saw the mountain in smoke, they trembled with fear. They stayed at a distance ¹⁹ and said to Moses, “Speak to us yourself and we will listen. But do not have God speak to us or we will die.”

²⁰ Moses said to the people, “Do not be afraid. God has come to test you, so that the fear of God will be with you to keep you from sinning.”

²¹ The people remained at a distance, while Moses approached the thick darkness where God was.

LAWS OF GOD: REST

Exodus 23:10-12

10 “For six years you are to sow your fields and harvest the crops, 11 but during the seventh year let the land lie unplowed and unused. Then the poor among your people may get food from it, and the wild animals may eat what is left. Do the same with your vineyard and your olive grove.

12 “Six days do your work, but on the seventh day do not work, so that your ox and your donkey may rest, and so that the slave born in your household and the foreigner living among you may be refreshed.

13 “Be careful to do everything I have said to you.

As a certified Christian Life Coach I can help you move from where you are to where God wants you to be. If you are interested in finding out what your values are then let’s chat. I'd love to be your champion in what God is calling you to do!  

#Karynisms #EQandJesus #values #sleepdeprivation #sabbathrest #CoachKaryn #emotionalintelligence #EQ #EI

GIVING

Generosity…the word makes my brain snap to thoughts of money, or at least to the thoughts of money I wish I had.  I have this unfortunate memory of asking an artistic friend to make personalized book marks for a handful of women who were helping me with a presentation. 

My friend is an incredible artist and created the most beautiful bookmarks. You could see the thought, detail and love in each unique piece.  I was overcome by the beauty of the pieces and was compelled to compensate her, but as I looked at their value I felt I didn’t have enough.  She wasn’t expecting anything but I didn’t want to insult her time and talent with the little I could give...so I didn’t.  That nagging lack of generosity stayed with me for over a decade.

Recently I took it upon myself to do a fundraiser for my son and daughter-in-love’s adoption effort.  I called it 10 Fingers * 10 Toes * 10 Day * $10 Fundraiser.  Because I knew what it was like to have my generosity shut down by thoughts of “not having enough”, I purposely set the amount low so others wouldn’t feel the same struggle.  It ended up being a very awkward time because it’s hard for me to ask for help.  In all honesty, it brings feelings of inadequacies when I reach out.  I never realized though, that at a deeper level I was projecting these personal shortcomings on to others.  Early this year I learned that my inability to receive well was actually tainting my own acts of generosity.  This convicting jolt happened when I ran across a Brené Brown quote in The Gifts of Imperfection. “Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart.  When we attach judgement to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgement to giving help.”

 I never realized that judgement loomed over parts of my generosity, but it did.  Not having enough to give was a judgement on myself, but I also couldn’t deny the judgment that surfaced when I gave plenty.  It creeped in as pity toward the causes that I supported.  Like a low-lying fog this pity corrupted my view of the people I was helping, because my heart would break and I’d think, “Oh those poor people.”  Brené digs deeper with a revelation that continues to indicts me; she says, “At the time, I would have vehemently denied attaching judgement to my generous giving.  But now, I understand how I derived self-worth from never needing help and always offering it.” My difficulty in receiving help stemmed from my self-worth’s unsinkable efforts to keep itself afloat with self-sufficiency, but self-sufficiency has absolutely no part in Christian generosity.

While I was struggling with the adoption fundraiser, God’s perfect timing landed me smack dab in the middle of His truth about giving.  This summer I did a bible study by Kelly Minter titled; All Things New. It was a study on 2 Corinthians that showcased the real aspects of generosity in 11 truths:

1)      God’s definition of generous giving isn’t dependent on how much or how little wealth a person has.

2)      The experience of giving is a privilege that’s accompanied by joy even in difficult circumstances.

3)      Our willingness to give must be matched with actual follow through.

4)      God cares more about our desire to give than the amount we’re able to give.

5)      The discipline of giving is for the mutual benefit of the giver and the receiver.

6)      Giving must be done in the right spirit but also in the right way.

7)      A lifestyle of generosity is not an individual endeavor but a team effort.

8)      A lifestyle of generous giving requires planning.

9)      The amount you reap is proportionate to the amount you sow.

10)   God loves a cheerful giver.

11)   God is the ultimate source of our giving.

Piling onto these truths, God also blessed me with an up-close and personal experience of someone who had the spiritual gift of generosity.  Any time we’re talking spiritual gifts, we are talking about someone’s super-power from God.  And like any other super-power, it is meant to help others.  Part of me believes that the reason God loves a cheerful giver is because there is no judgement attached to it.  I watched a donor and his family match my initial fundraising challenge, and then work to double it.  I had never seen anything like it before.  It was as if someone had turned a fire hose of abundance on me – I was truly blown away!  The most beautiful part of their extravagance was their excitement and joy for the impact they would have on our family, all of which was judgement free.

That clumsy posture of receiving grew me in ways I never would have imagined.  I was stunned by the lavish amounts that came through from a simple $10 fundraising request.  In only 10 days we raised nearly $3000 through only 29 donors.  There was a sacrificial $10 gift that brought tears to my eyes and while we received gifts, both large and small, each one touched me deeply… really deeply.  Cheerful givers rained blessings of affirmation upon us and reinforced God’s calling to adopt one of His precious children.

Giving and generosity aren’t restricted to dollars.  Giving involves not only our treasure, but our time and talent as well.  As I mentioned at the beginning, the story of my friend who used her time and talent to create handmade book marks haunted me for years; until I finally decided to get over my embarrassment of 1) not having enough money and 2) the many years that had passed.  It wasn’t guilt, but conviction that caused me to write her a letter.  I shared my feelings, affirmed her artistry and slipped a payment inside for her wonderful work.  It was an amount that I couldn’t afford all those years ago, but as I learned later, it wasn’t the money, but the words in my letter that came at just the right time for her.  God’s grace flowed 10 years after the fact; healing me and affirming her. 

Generosity and giving affirms others, and says, “I see you!” It is God’s outstretched hand, reaching through your heart, to touch someone else.  Proverbs 11:25 says, “A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.”  Giving refreshes us as the givers and affirms the receiver of God’s love.  When I allow God to turn my pity into compassion it arrests my judgment and I become a true conduit of God’s love.  Receiving well is how that is done.  Moreover, when I allow myself to receive freely, I provide others with the opportunity to touch me with God’s affirmation and love. 

My lesson in generosity didn’t stop with the discovery that being a good receiver helps me to be a better giver.  While listening to an audio book I heard the author refer to goodness in the Fruit of the Spirit as generosity.  This intrigued me so I checked out several translations to see that, indeed, many of them used generosity instead of goodness.  At first, I wondered about that, but then realized that the true essence behind goodness is a generous spirit, a generosity that was demonstrated by our sacrificial, good, and holy God.  We are made in His image and when we are generous, we are like Him.  

The words “give” and “gave” are mentioned over 2,000 times in the NIV translation of the Bible.  The word “receive” is only used 255 times.  That is a staggering disparity supported by the well-known Scripture, “It is better to give than to receive.”  (Acts 20:25) Giving with a right heart rather than pride or obligation is what develops our spiritual maturity and produces fruit.

Since the fruit of the Spirit gauge our maturity in Christ we may automatically equate generous actions with someone who is spiritually mature.  However, when generosity is cloaked in self-sufficiency, God is not a part of that.  Obligation is another gesture that doesn’t bear God’s signature.  Spiritually mature generosity is first of all, dependent on God’s provision and then offered in partnership with God to glorify Him. 

Dallas Willard says, “You’re a soul made by God, made for God, and made to need God, which means you were not made to be self-sufficient.” This reminds me that the more spiritually mature I become, the more dependent on God I will become.  Spiritually mature generosity is an understanding that all we have; time, talent, and treasure, comes from God, is to be used for His purposes and best of all, brings us joy!

Replacing judgment and self-sufficiency with compassion and dependence has already produced more joy for me than I could imagine.  What better picture of this do we have than Jesus.  The Gospels recount all that He gave through miracles and hope.  He was generous to the point of fatigue and even death! But we also see that He was an itinerant Rabbi whose ministry was subject to other’s generous hospitality.  He was an excellent receiver! No judgments or stigmas on his part as He gracefully and graciously accepted every invitation.  He maintained a regal posture of giving as well as receiving with great compassion, and the force behind His biggest act of generosity was joy.  For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:2)

What joy awaits you? I know we all can’t give in the same ways that Jesus did, but I do know that God works through us to achieve His purposes.  While I’ve learned that compassion and dependent giving is at the heart of generosity, I would say that the most important take away is that God loves a cheerful giver. So, let joy be the first thing you think of next time an opportunity comes your way to give, and remind yourself of the joy that you will give others when you become the humble receiver. Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.   Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. (2 Cor. 9:6-7)

PONDER

How would you characterize your generosity?  Where do you find the most joy in giving; time, talent or treasure?  What kind of receiver are you?  Become aware of the nuances of judgement, self-sufficiency as part of your generosity.

WITNESS 

What people come to mind as you read this poem.  How are their lives full or empty as a result of their generosity or their scarcity?

God’s love hath in us wealth unheaped

Only by giving it is reaped;

The body withers, and the mind

Is pent up by a selfish rind.

Give strength, give thought, give deeds, give pelf

Give love, give tears, and give thyself.

Give, give, be always giving,

Who gives not is not living;

The more we give

The more we live.

Author Unknown

ACTION

1)      Pray and see what steps God would have you take.  Generosity is a personal and intimate expression of your relationship with God.

2)      For some of you, allowing someone to give to you will help you to learn to receive without judgment or stigma.  The practice of humbly receiving will help you to give with compassion and with joy.  Find ways to receive help. 

As a certified Christian Life Coach, I can help you move from where you are to where God wants you to be. If you are interested in learning about how the Fruit of the Spirit gauge your spiritual maturity then let’s chat. I'd love to be your champion in what God is calling you to do!

#Karynisms #CoachKaryn #EQandJesus #generosity #spiritualmaturity #giving #emotionalintelligence #EI #EQ 

COMPLAINING

It was a bad day.  A usual, run of the mill bad day that was cluttered with catching all red lights, red line traffic, lost erring, dead batteries, burnt dinner and tight clothes.  The kind of day that eroded my tolerance as the hours marched on.  No single annoyance was enough to set me off on its own, but when they ganged up on me, they sent me to the couch to binge-watch Friends at the end of the day.

Feeling exhausted thinking about one of your own days?  Expectations at work, an unkind person, or rambunctious kids on a rainy day can set any of us off.  Speaking for myself, these situations steered me into complaint mode.  There was a time that I was a real pro at this.  Honestly, if I were an inanimate object I would have been a vent!  My reactions could range from small harrumphs to livid language that insulted someone else’s IQ.  Or, as I tried to get better, I’d instruct people how to do it the right way with my blind arrogance.  

Oreo cookies always remind me of the latter.  One day I was grocery shopping with my husband.  It was during a time where I was being intentional about complaining less.  At the checkout the bagger placed my Oreo cookies on the bottom of the bag and proceeded to stack heavy items on top of them.  I took it upon myself to show her the correct way to bag groceries.  With elbows pumping I pulled everything out of the bag and gave her a lesson in how to re-pack the bag.  My husband, the cashier and the bagger all stood back with a look of horror on their face.  While I thought I was being helpful, my husband was embarrassed, the cashier was stunned and the bagger was insulted.  Scott ushered me out of the store as fast as possible, reprimanding my behavior.  I countered his argument with the fact that I was nice about the whole thing, and that people who came behind us would thank me because I just saved their Oreos!  He replied that there was nothing nice about what just happened!  The Oreo story still lives on as an example of “what NOT to do”. 

I tried all different types of behavior changes in an attempt to manage my complaining. Stuffing my feelings was another failed attempt. One day I picked up Christmas cards that included a photo of my kids.  It was a close-up shot of Alec holding Taylor on his back and they were wearing Santa hats with a blurred backdrop of Christmas lights.   I hadn’t realized that someone might not know that the picture was taken vertically.  When I picked up the cards though, I saw that they were printed horizontally.  It was too late to re-order them, and when I kindly pointed this out to the clerk I received an unconcerned shrug.  Instead of complaining I walked away from the counter burning with anger.  I was so upset that my hands were shaking and the sample card in my hand looked like it was being electrocuted!

I have many more examples of efforts that didn’t work, but eventually I landed upon the one thing that always works.  But before I get to that, I want to clarify what type of complaining I’m referring to. I don’t mean complaining about things such as social injustice, or situations or people who need advocates.  I mean complaining about the circumstances in my world that make my life inconvenient or exasperating.

This type of complaining is an exercise in self-absorption.  When I complain my eyes turn inward because most of the things I complain about affect my convenience, my expectations and my comfort.  Face it, there’s a gazillion things we can complain about which makes it even harder to manage.  Complaining is a real gnarly mess because it includes aspects of grief, disappointment, helplessness and frustration.  This is what makes dealing with it such a challenge!

I went to Scripture to take a closer look at complaining and you know, I found quite a bit of it recorded in the Bible!  The medieval Latin word for complain is com & plangere, which is a combination of the words expressing + lament.  Lament is an aspect of complaining and in case you didn’t know, there’s an entire book dedicated to it in the Bible!  There were Prophets who complained, the Jews did a lot of complaining in the desert, the book of Job has its fair share, and the New Testament doesn’t leave it out either. In Matthew 17:17 we see Jesus expressing His lament over the failure of the Disciples to heal a young boy, “O unbelieving and perverse generation,” Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me.”

I’m no Bible Scholar, but it sounds to me like Jesus is complaining.  Since we know that Jesus is without sin, I’m guessing that complaining isn’t a sin. But, it gets confusing and complicated when we see in Scripture how God doesn’t like it.   Now the people complained about their hardships in the hearing of the Lord, and when he heard them his anger was aroused. Then fire from the Lord burned among them and consumed some of the outskirts of the camp. ² When the people cried out to Moses, he prayed to the Lord and the fire died down. (Numbers 11:1-2)  The story then takes a plot twist where God gives them what they want, but they pay an awful price.  I told you it was complicated.  I encourage you to follow the link and check it out for yourself!

One thing I’m not confused about is that our magnanimous God wants us to come to Him with our complaints, anger, frustration, confusion and doubts because He is our Father.  Numbers 11:1-2 tells us the people in the desert were complaining among themselves about just getting manna to eat.  They wanted meat. They wanted more than what God was providing.  They were clearly disparaging His blessings without bringing their requests to Him.  This is very different from going to the foot of the Cross and baring our souls in an intimate and personal way.  As our Father, there is nothing that we can’t take to God, even our ugly feelings, because our feelings are never a sin, it’s what we do with our feelings that can lead us to sin.  

So, even while I believe that complaining isn’t a sin, I do believe that I don’t best reflect Him to the world when I do complain.  Through the years I discovered that complaining actually points a finger at my own selfishness, my helplessness and my insecurity.  Complaining is a fruitless exercise that attempts to eradicate all of this.  However, when I make it more about God, or someone else, I always manage to resist the downward spiral of griping.  When I gain this perspective, it reverses the direction of that spiral and produces better behavior. The skills necessary to get this perspective and to NOT make things about me are empathy and humility.  They are the virtues that allow us to step into new perspectives that actually change our hearts. There’s a couple ways this works for me: 

GRATITUDE

In situations when my complaining fuse is lit and sparks start to fly, I strive to turn the eyes of my heart outward.  Most of the time my small insignificant grumblings can’t compare to the problems that others are having in this world.  Case in point; have you caught yourself feeling contrite about something you’ve complained about after seeing the devastation that the hurricane victims are dealing with?  I know I have. 

Perspective mutes complaining because it redirects our focus from inward to outward.  This is the essence of the phrase “first world problems”.  Recently a worship vocalist at church had her in-ear monitors accidentally run over by a car, after falling out of her bag.  These in-ears are pretty expensive because they are molded to their ears.  Her response was, “Well, at least it wasn’t my leg.” (that got run over). She re-framed the situation by ushering in gratitude to shift her perspective.  Gratitude helps escort empathy and humility in so that we align ourselves with God.  It is at the foot of the Cross that we have the freedom to have it out with God, or have our fill of Him.  Either way we walk away better for it. 

VALUES

As a Life Coach, I offer my clients a values exercise.  The exercise makes you prioritize your values, because values have a pecking order.  The order of our values drives the direction of all our decisions.  The reason I mention this is because sometimes we value things over our happiness.  I remember a time when I was caring for my father during major health issues.  It was a tough, trying time and as you can guess, I was complaining a lot.  Now, I wasn’t complaining that I had to take care of my father, but I was complaining about all the things in my life that were affected by me having to take care of my father. 

Before I knew that our values had a pecking order, a friend of mine said to me, “You must love your family more than you love your happiness.”  That comment pulled the rug out from under my complaining feet.  It opened my eyes to see that I was actually choosing the circumstances in my life because I valued my family so much.  This perspective was a game changer.  I no longer felt helpless, I felt encouraged and solidified by the fact that, yes, my family was more important and worth it.  

This revelation helped me to manage my complaining better.  You see, for some reason I was walking around thinking that happiness was the ultimate goal of a successful life.  Well, according to my personal, ordered values, my family is higher on my list.  My guess is that most of you would have values higher on your list than happiness and don’t even realize it.  So, take a tip from me, and don’t be deceived to think that the end goal of life is happiness, because it rarely is.  We all have something that we would sacrifice for it.

Perspective mutes complaining and frees us up to see God, others and our values in a better light.  Truth be told, I still struggle with complaining.  Seriously, it’s easier for me to emotionally vent instead of taking a moment to reason it out.  But this, my friend, is the key to emotional intelligence and spiritual peace.  The time it takes to align yourself with God through reason and prayer, will always be worth it.  Empathy and humility will always strike complaining right in the heart and give you new eyes to see that even when circumstances aren’t going your way, or people don’t do what you say, you really aren’t helpless because you can pray and find things to be grateful for, or realize there is something more important to you and worth the frustration. 

Not complaining is a sacrifice and a work of love that Jesus modeled when He went to the Cross for us.  Now, that is the ultimate perspective to have!   

PONDER

Think about the things you complain about.  Is there a common denominator that would reflect what is going on in your heart?

Do you take your complaints to God?  Or do you complain to others?

WITNESS

What areas of your life do you use empathy and humility?  How is your perspective different when you experience them?  Who in your life does this well?

ACTION   

1)      What changes can you make to bring your complaints to God? (Prayer, Journaling, etc.)

2)      When you catch your complaining fuse being lit, find a way to signal yourself to turn your eyes outward.  Do this exercise for a month to build a new habit.

3)      If you are interested in discovering the pecking order of your values, contact me.  In only a couple Coaching sessions you will be able to identify what drives your decisions as well as gain perspective about what’s most important to you.

As a certified Christian Life Coach I can help you move from where you are to where God wants you to be. If you are interested in learning about your values then let’s chat. I'd love to be your champion in what God is calling you to do!

#Karynisms #CoachKaryn #EQandJesus #values #gratitude #emotionalintelligence #EI #EQ